Disney World SA is proud to present ...

A Magic Kingdom of our own, on the banks of the Loskop Dam

By Ben Trovato :

Free State and Mpumalanga are in a race to build the first Disney World theme park in Africa. Officials from the Free State have already held talks with Disney World in Florida, US. The park is expected to cost about R25-billion.

'Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck do not fit in with the ideals of the national democratic revolution. We have our own famous characters, like comrades Julius Malema and Floyd Shivambu' Free State provincial spokesman Rollercoaster Walazi confirmed that a delegation, which included Premier Ace Magashule, had visited Disney World earlier this month to "investigate" the park as well as to raise money for Operation Hlasela, a fund to fast-track service delivery in the province.

Asked how much had been raised, Walazi said: "You people must learn that money can't make you happy. Going on the Humunga Kowabunga at Typhoon Lagoon, however, can. You should have seen my face afterwards!"

Pressed on the issue of Operation Hlasela, Walazi said he was particularly impressed with Shark Reef. "Hammerhead Fred showed me how to snorkel and I saw leopard sharks and stingrays and millions of pretty fish!"

Walazi was quick to point out that the premier had not snorkelled. "We could not allow Premier Magashule to risk his life so we rented him a private Beachcomber Shack."

Walazi said the delegation was "blown away" by the fact that the Beachcomber Shack came with its own personal attendant and waiter. "This is exactly the kind of thing that poor people in the Free State need." He predicted that, by 2015, everyone in the province would own a beachcomber shack.

Economic affairs MEC Goofy Ngobeni described the trip as "highly beneficial". He said two members of the delegation were meant to be on sick leave but after a day in Florida they were "ready for anything".

"The climate really is quite spectacular and we will be investigating ways of duplicating that in the Free State."

Asked about highlights of the trip, Ngobeni said he had lived in Bloemfontein all his life and found it difficult to relate to the ocean. "Blizzard Beach? Not really my thing. Apparently it started out as a ski resort after a freak snow storm hit Florida, then everything melted in a heat wave and it became a water park. That's their story, anyway. I find it hard to believe a talking crocodile that walks around on its hind legs shouting, 'Yahoo!' every few minutes." He said he had rented a Polar Patio when the others went on the Slush Gusher.

Epcot Magau, an ANC official who accompanied the delegation, said the ruling party would "bend over backwards" to ensure that Africa's first Disney World was built in the Free State.

"Disney World in America has things like Adventureland and Fantasyland. We will build our own attractions, like Raceland, where white people go through a separate entrance and are restricted to certain parts of the park. If there is anything left in the budget, we might give them some sort of disenchanted garden to walk through. Benches will be provided but they won't be allowed to sit on them."

Magau said that instead of having Disney characters wandering around, she would like to see a more indigenous approach. "Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck do not fit in with the ideals of the national democratic revolution. We have our own famous characters, like comrades Julius Malema and Floyd Shivambu."

Meanwhile, a spokesman for Mpumalanga's tourism department, Dumbo Oliphant, said his province's plan to build its own Disney World was "streaks ahead" of its rival.

"I've never even heard of the Free State. But us, we already have a site picked out. It's there by the Loskop Dam."

He said it was an ideal location because it had "water and grass and stuff". Oliphant said the national government had been informed of the project and would "probably divert R25-billion from education and housing" so the park could be built.

He predicted that it would become more popular than the one in Florida. "They had to build a Magic Kingdom but we already are one. People will come from all over so that sangomas and inyangas can give them love spells and cure them of cancer and make their penises bigger with muti," he said.

"Orlando has the Big Thunder Mountain Railroad; we will have the Big Stop/Go Mountain Roadworks. They have the Frontierland Shooting Arcade; we will have the Cash In Transit Shooting Arcade. They have a ride called The Many Adventures of Pooh Bear; we will offer rides in a bullet-proof Mercedes and call it The Many Adventures of David Mabuza. They have Pleasure Island; we have Nelspruit. They have Dinoland, where you can see artificial dinosaurs; we will have Tenderland, where you can see artificial entrepreneurs. You get the picture."

Provincial economics consultant Rafiki "Buzz" Lightyear, said the theme park was a guaranteed money-spinner. "All it would take is a million people, each spending R1000 a day, visiting the park every year. With those kind of figures, Disney World Resort at Loskop Dam would break even in no time at all - say, 25 years tops."

When it was pointed out that Ratanga Junction is a ghost town for most of the year, he said: "That's Cape Town. Nobody lives there."


Disney World SA is proud to present ...

The Haunted Castle
•Climb aboard the Gloom Buggy and be scared out of your wits by the ghosts of dead SARS officials, Metro police and SAA staff.

Farmville
•Travel through lush dagga plantations to witness cool techniques such as hydroponics that farmers are using to meet the country's drug needs.

Concrete Jungle Cruise
•Ride in an unroadworthy taxi through the back streets of Joburgland and try to survive. Hijackings! Drunk drivers! Corrupt cops! Fun for the whole family!

MK Mania
•It's a race against time as you go back to 1986 to sabotage fuel depots and set off car bombs without being caught by security police. Test your pain threshold!

Vlakplaas Safari
•Buckle up and take a wild ride through the old home of South Africa's death squads. Hold your breath for a thrilling waterboarding encounter with the legendary Eugene de Kock!

Metrorail Express
•Stand on a rundown railway platform and wait for a train that never comes. Suitable for all ages.

Up The Creek
•A lazy, winding river of raw sewage where big kids and teens can take a leisurely raft ride around the neglected perimeter of the park.

Crush-a-Gush
•Get high and plummet down a slide featuring a vertical 15-storey drop into a pool that is empty because the council cut off the water.

http://www.timeslive.co.za/