ANC to replace Freedom Charter with Free Stuff Charter

Minister and epic freeloader Sicelo Shiceka has been named by the ANC as the man who will draft a new Free Stuff Charter to replace the Freedom Charter, citing his willingness to “fight oppression to the death even it means he must eat nothing but lobster thermidor”. Meanwhile, the poor have asked Siceka whether he would like his head-basket lined with velvet or silk when he is finally guillotined.

According to the Sunday Times, Shiceka spent R300,000 of taxpayers’ money on a single visit to his girlfriend who is serving time in a Swiss prison, a detail initially thought to be the invention of satirists but confirmed by Swiss authorities who asked the media not to make “insensitive remarks about turf wars between rival gangs of yodellers”.

Shiceka is also said to have spent R700,000 of public money at the One&Only hotel in Cape Town, although it unknown whether he and his colleagues stayed in the standard Quasi-a-la-Modo Faux Florentine suite or splurged for the Mafia Bride penthouse with full Taste Impairment options, including porcelain whippets, paintings of Tuscan painters painting Greek islands, and quotes by Paulo Coelho on the toilet paper.

The revelations have reportedly reinvigorated the ruling party, with many describing Shiceka as the “poster-boy for the new ANC”, and calling for an updated Charter.

“It is this breathtaking capacity to spend other people’s money that makes him the stand-out contender to draft the new Free Stuff Charter,” explained government spokesman Mbezelment Mbete.

He said that the ANC had had problems with the Freedom Charter for some years now.

“The enemy is no longer white oppression,” he explained. “Today the enemy is off-white three-star bed-and-breakfasts that grind our leaders under the jackboot of austerity.”

He added that some of the original Freedom Charter was “just embarrassingly old school”.

“’South Africa belongs to all how live in it’? Seriously? I think if you read the fine print you’ll find that most of South Africa belongs to the Peoples’ Democratic State Organ for the Harvesting of Viable Topsoil, Office 1367, Concrete Tower 7, 103 Concrete Street, Concrete City, Concretia Prefecture, China; and they’ve got the hastily PhotoShopped title deed to prove it.”

Meanwhile South Africa’s 20-million citizens living in abject poverty have suggested to Shiceka that “if he wants to keep saying ‘F*ck you’ to the poor, there are cheaper ways of doing it”.

“For starters, you could just hire a van with a loudspeaker on the top and drive around yelling, ‘Hey fodder, f*ck you!’” suggested spokesman Lesmisrables Afrika. “Or if you really want to insult us, why not just keep promising a better life in return for our votes and then don’t…oh, wait, you’re already doing that.”

However, Afrika said that the poor were not unreasonable and wanted to know whether Shiceka would like his head to fall into basket lined with silk or one lined with velvet when their patience finally ran out and they guillotined the kleptocrats.

“Just asking,” he said.

Source: hayibo.com