South Africa P.I.G.: Parody

Showing posts with label Parody. Show all posts

‘Shoot The Politician’ to be new hit struggle song

<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwsnmlVxnCCXEfPMsbD0tjEZwhtWKsxM6UnsRAeUHyHYU7XZz2nlm3XmaTAoNIR3d-aLWhXS2W6-Grh0rD64zdt1No0i3QpcsSLXVzdyHJsE1uLtGYFp7agWC2zItAKKZ2SajjRjzljsxX/s1600/motivator-democracy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="512" r6="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwsnmlVxnCCXEfPMsbD0tjEZwhtWKsxM6UnsRAeUHyHYU7XZz2nlm3XmaTAoNIR3d-aLWhXS2W6-Grh0rD64zdt1No0i3QpcsSLXVzdyHJsE1uLtGYFp7agWC2zItAKKZ2SajjRjzljsxX/s640/motivator-democracy.jpg" width="640" /></a></div> A catchy new struggle song, ‘Shoot the politician’, has been hailed by the 20-million South African voters who get nothing in return for their vote. “If ‘Shoot The Boer’ refers to a struggle against a corrupt anti-democratic system rather than being a call for genocide, then MP’s won’t have a problem if we sing ‘Shoot the politician’,” explained a spokesman. “Ain’t democracy a bitch?” Meanwhile some white farmers have expressed “slight discomfort” at their taxes being used to pay for Julius Malema’s hate speech defence. “Call us reactionary counterrevolutionaries,” said farmer Ploeg Spoeg-Kroeg, “but doesn’t it strike anyone else as a bit odd that we’re paying lawyers to defend Julius’s right to call for us to be murdered?” However, most legal experts have agreed that the song ‘Shoot the Boer’ is not a call for actual murder but a call to arms against the repressive apartheid regime, a verdict that has been welcomed by the writers of the new hit struggle song, ‘Shoot the politician’. “When we sing, ‘Shoot the politician, blow the corrupt thieving complacent racist motherf*cker away’, we’re actually just calling for greater accountability,” explained songwriter Stratocaster Semenya. “Or maybe we aren’t, but that all depends on what the lawyers say. And how much longer our patience holds out.” He said that references to specific people were also harmlessly metaphorical. “The second verse goes, ‘Shoot Sicelo Shiceka, shoot him in the ass with buckshot made of diamonds, then rub wasabi paste onto his perforated ass, then shoot him in the ass again, don’t worry, he’s got medical aid’. “Obviously in this case he is just a metaphor for all the criminally insane MPs who use taxpayers’ money to visit their girlfriends in Swiss jails. So chill. It’s not a threat. “Or is it?” This morning politicians from across the political spectrum reacted angrily to the song, saying that freedom of speech was nice in theory but when it “blundered with its grubby peasant clogs through the hallowed members-only halls of Parliament and threatened those who account to nobody but God, their bank managers and Jacob Zuma – in ascending orders – then it has gone too far”. “You can’t go around calling for people to be shot,” said backbencher Filibuster Zuma. “Unless you’re referring to Boere. Or criminals. Or cockroaches. And by cockroaches we mean of course political opponents, and we mean ‘shoot’ in a metaphorical sense. Sort of, depending on the context.” hayibo.com

‘Shoot The Politician’ to be new hit struggle song

A catchy new struggle song, ‘Shoot the politician’, has been hailed by the 20-million South African voters who get nothing in return for the...

2:29 PM

Army of 3000 standing by, ready to kill white people

<img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5443461807663054578" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4MBif3Fg1lTc79yj-ZdnHji6mNAyLD2y9PBV-RlRxchGTsrXNDW02tRyaInsxJT1XaftgQzT3asR7dS0C6dX6afnJGV1joRfzIwE52uXYyXZ_7IpiPGFcPHlbGuTUYhmju-_KcT0dfmNj/s400/parody.jpg" style="MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; WIDTH: 56px; FLOAT: right; HEIGHT: 53px; CURSOR: hand" />The Auditor-General is set to be called in to help solve the numerical mystery of how the PAC, who could only muster 23 votes in the 2009 election, can suddenly lay claim to having an army of 3000 soldiers. <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMMk9BQlaEoMOaNGj-wUSC0xVR27yibGaiUiKCmbP2GbdZ5FP2GI6Kyqw2gjt4Uihg-N09EeiOsH5xPWVnRMzZ_bwL52yG9H0Kd4Qk8ClSxfNMPTZ2N2kbrUfoypGTDUe0RugoHAglDMtS/s1600-h/Facebook_PAC.jpg"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5443464685605734306" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMMk9BQlaEoMOaNGj-wUSC0xVR27yibGaiUiKCmbP2GbdZ5FP2GI6Kyqw2gjt4Uihg-N09EeiOsH5xPWVnRMzZ_bwL52yG9H0Kd4Qk8ClSxfNMPTZ2N2kbrUfoypGTDUe0RugoHAglDMtS/s400/Facebook_PAC.jpg" style="MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 400px; FLOAT: left; HEIGHT: 278px; CURSOR: hand" /></a>The mystery was highlighted after warnings appeared on the PAC's Facebook page on Thursday, suggesting an army of nearly 3000 soldiers was standing by to kill white people within 24 hours. A spokesperson for the Auditor General, Numbers Vilikazi, said that while on the surface the figures didn't stack up, investigation could expose plausible explanations. "It could be former Cope mercenaries who switched sides in order to see more action," he said. "Or perhaps the PAC has forged a deadly alliance with Amway. It would certainly explain how an organisation with nothing to offer could show such exponential growth." Vilikazi said that no matter what, the PAC's claims were serious and should definitely be investigated. "Even if it is just to find out how they plan to do it," he said. "Each soldier would have to kill 1500 white people for the plan to work. "And however you look at it, that's a lot of ears to wear on a string around your neck," he said. Meanwhile a spokesperson for white South Africans, Charles Albumen, said he didn't expect white-folk to behave any differently as a result of the threat. "An army of 3000 people is usually quite easy to spot," he said, "Especially if they all move around together." He said that as a precautionary measure it was being recommended that white people avoid places where large groups of black people, who could be the PAC's secret army, might congregate. "Post office queues. Mini-bus taxis. Townships. Those are the sort of places we are advising our previously advantaged brethren to avoid," he said. Albumen said that because those were places white people never visited anyway it would pretty much be business as usual for them. hayibo.com

Army of 3000 standing by, ready to kill white people

The Auditor-General is set to be called in to help solve the numerical mystery of how the PAC, who could only muster 23 votes in the 2009 el...

2:57 PM

JZ does his best work in the dark, so parliament opens at night

Jacob Zuma broke with tradition on Thursday night when he delivered his state of the nation address after lights out, saying he did his best work in the dark. During his landmark speech Zuma declared the country to be surprisingly fecund, pregnant with possibility and with a cervix that was ripe for service delivery. <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFMnRYK9GK-UsCbQoShRolLnkcA02E9g_r96NRo8ejINHagXQ1HDdQ2Xeq_IDggBXdh21ILjBpfEnQ7-R_qanMrwUy2S8XPWQKfgZt6LwgcpnkyO_avrx9cvPQrc0djgkaZ2sVFhKjfCDm/s1600-h/Zumas_state_of_the_nation_address1.jpg"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5438595322266126738" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFMnRYK9GK-UsCbQoShRolLnkcA02E9g_r96NRo8ejINHagXQ1HDdQ2Xeq_IDggBXdh21ILjBpfEnQ7-R_qanMrwUy2S8XPWQKfgZt6LwgcpnkyO_avrx9cvPQrc0djgkaZ2sVFhKjfCDm/s400/Zumas_state_of_the_nation_address1.jpg" style="MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 390px; FLOAT: left; HEIGHT: 280px; CURSOR: hand" /></a>Zuma went on to stress that 2010 would be a year of both labour and action. "And by that the President probably means he wants to get on top of his work," explained political analyst Scrutiny Gwala. During his speech Zuma said, "The defining feature of this administration will be that it knows where people live, understands their needs, and responds faster." Gwala said the statement was not meant as a threat but a promise. "Although it's easy to see why people might be afraid," he added in a hushed voice. "How does he know where I live? "It's sounds like the sort of claim you find in the personal column of a newspaper," he said, "but I suppose it could mean other things as well." Aside from smutty double-entendres and veiled promises to the women-folk of South Africa, Zuma also said his government was planning to reduce crime by taking criminals off the street and incorporating them into the police force. "We are implementing plans to increase the number of police men and women by 10% over the next three years," he said, adding that it didn't matter how you got the criminals off the street as long as you did. He said criminals would have nothing to fear as the South African Police Service offered excellent opportunities for people trained in the arts of gun crime, bribery and extortion. Explaining the decision, Gwala said criminals would probably be free to continue with their usual antics, only now they would have to wear a uniform and pay a portion of their take to the boss. "It's why they call him the Commissioner," he said. hayibo.com

JZ does his best work in the dark, so parliament opens at night

Jacob Zuma broke with tradition on Thursday night when he delivered his state of the nation address after lights out, saying he did his best...

2:04 PM

ANC meets to test how inept it can be before voters abandon it

<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkiAe6L0qBpfmhyssH7A_orGgn_m8h2mubh0xSAVl51GVULD5wE7vdGkb9QgJjggPhZPbGFIJFB3jfn0Ru-qfRgxu2wYx6OUkxIR_uBhHbju-08CJRKUR3FOmKI9LN8E_cNJkx4AcKLSc/s1600-h/ancyl-expose-bums.jpg"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5319091543552245026" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkiAe6L0qBpfmhyssH7A_orGgn_m8h2mubh0xSAVl51GVULD5wE7vdGkb9QgJjggPhZPbGFIJFB3jfn0Ru-qfRgxu2wYx6OUkxIR_uBhHbju-08CJRKUR3FOmKI9LN8E_cNJkx4AcKLSc/s400/ancyl-expose-bums.jpg" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 200px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 125px" /></a>The ANC is to start a campaign of tarring and feathering elderly people, exposing its buttocks at nuns and systematically groping citizens in an effort to gauge how recklessly it can behave before its voters start abandoning it. "We're pretty sure we can do anything and they'll still vote for us," said a spokesman. "But we just want to make sure." The ruling party has increased its majority in almost every general election since coming to power in 1994, despite a catalogue of corruption scandals, sexual misconduct allegations, fraud, perjury, nepotism and a penchant for ill-fitting suits with shoulder pads apparently bought in Eastern Europe in the 1980s. "The great thing about our support is that as far as we can tell it's completely unquestioning," said party spokesman Kneejerk Kunene. "Those who doubt our policies don't fight us. They just leave to form other parties. "Dissent is therefore literally impossible in the ANC. If you agree with us, you're in the ANC. If you don't, you're not. It's a beautiful system." He added that since 1994 the ANC had proved that "democracy is about sidelining minorities", and that anyone who disagreed was clearly a racist. However he said that while the ANC had taken its voters for granted since 1994, it could not always assume "blind devotion" and wanted to test how far it could go before voters began to feel uneasy. "We can't rely on logic, because South African voters don't," he explained. "You'd think an official government policy of denying Aids in the country with the worst infection rate in the world would be a sure-fire way of losing support. Well, I've got three little words for you, china: 70 percent majority." Likewise, he said, the party had expected its predominantly Christian support-base to accuse it of blasphemy – or at lease staggering arrogance – in repeatedly comparing its leaders to Jesus Christ. "Again, not a peep," said Kunene. "In fact it's proof that the meek shall inherit the earth. Or at least every province except the Western Cape." He said initial attempts to gauge how tolerant its supporters were had gone unnoticed. "We were certain there'd be some sort of backlash when we destroyed the Department of Home Affairs and made South African passports a liability," he said. "Nothing. Not even a cross text message." Kunene confirmed that the new study would be undertaken by the ANC Youth League, which had volunteered for the job. "Many of them are still veterans of the heroic uprising in 2007 when they bared their buttocks in support of Comrade Julius Malema," he said. "They say they are eager to storm the barricades of oppression once more, especially if it means they can get their pants off. "They are very eager democrats." Link:- <a href="http://www.hayibo.com/">http://www.hayibo.com/</a>

ANC meets to test how inept it can be before voters abandon it

The ANC is to start a campaign of tarring and feathering elderly people, exposing its buttocks at nuns and systematically groping citizens i...

10:31 AM

SA President apologizes for shoddy quality of Dalai Lama lies

<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHXfSQFbbkLM5AnlwNopeCepokB7qvqIGXPUEp9nEaRFqKgcaQ1VvEFDs_KaGPcnLyMWB7AhYpxZ-XmMNNbNyxgTTHaoPmQk9hah2gKPyWoHhVw3fFTES4c3aA0Qmb49TQphWVFkTjQEo/s1600-h/kgalema-motlanthe_lies.jpg"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5319080472401346930" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHXfSQFbbkLM5AnlwNopeCepokB7qvqIGXPUEp9nEaRFqKgcaQ1VvEFDs_KaGPcnLyMWB7AhYpxZ-XmMNNbNyxgTTHaoPmQk9hah2gKPyWoHhVw3fFTES4c3aA0Qmb49TQphWVFkTjQEo/s400/kgalema-motlanthe_lies.jpg" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 400px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 255px" /></a>PRETORIA. South African President Kgalema Motlanthe has apologized for the shoddy quality of the lies surrounding the banning of the Dalai Lama, but has vowed to produce better lies in future. "All the really great liars were purged with Mbeki," he explained. "The public needs to understand that it will take time to develop a new cadre of world-class liars." According to the South African government the exiled Tibetan leader was refused an entry visa to the country because his presence would draw attention away from the 2010 World Cup. Addressing the media this morning, President Motlanthe conceded that as lies went, the latest had been one of the feeblest offerings "for some years". "Initially we were going to say that the Dalai Lama was being refused entry because he's carrying the SARS virus," explained Motlanthe. "We faxed the prototype lie through to Beijing, to the Commissar for African Assimilation, or as I like to call him, 'Boss', but he called back in about twenty minutes to remind us that SARS doesn't exist and that no-one has ever contracted any virus of any kind in China." Motlanthe said that the purging of Thabo Mbeki and his allies had decimated the ANC's cadre of highly skilled liars. "We're only now realizing just how exceptional Mbeki's liars were," said Motlanthe. "They came up with some incredible lies: a better life for all; there's no link between HIV and Aids; the elections in Zimbabwe were free and fair; South Africa is winning the war on crime; the arms deal was clean. "When you lose people like that it takes time to fill the hole they leave behind." He said the ANC's current cadre of liars were "raw, untested, and not yet comfortable within an intellectual milieu". Asked if that meant they were semi-retarded, Motlanthe said he did not wish to "bandy about unkind labels" but confirmed that many were more comfortable with exposing their buttocks and calling for the murder of political opponents than they were with sitting down and writing "long complicated sentences". Meanwhile the Congress of the People has denied that it is made up largely of Mbeki's cadre of liars. According to COPE spokesman Minime Mbeki, nobody in the new party has ever told a lie. "Which is why we're going to win 845 percent of the vote," added Mbeki. "And when we're in power we're going to end poverty by buying more submarines and we're going to cure Aids with potatoes. We promise. Really. Seriously." ....And finally, how do you say, “We’ve sold our soul to the devil” in Chinese? <a href="http://phplist.sundaymedia.co.za/lists/lt.php?id=cUUJXlcEDQZWGlBWBU9QWQQHBw%3D%3D">Sovereign SA bans Dalai Lama, will call Chinese Premier 'baas' </a>The South African government has defended its decision to ban Tibet's Dalai Lama from entering the country and has denied that it is slavishly obeying China. According to a spokesman, the government has made only minor concessions to Beijing.... Link <a href="http://www.hayibo.com/">http://www.hayibo.com/</a>

SA President apologizes for shoddy quality of Dalai Lama lies

PRETORIA. South African President Kgalema Motlanthe has apologized for the shoddy quality of the lies surrounding the banning of the Dalai L...

10:11 AM

Election scheduled for April 22, grandiose claims scheduled for April 21

<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBvNZ8_Q-kHQAsrvvZQbYIZcVJ5Nl6k2CVJM_A6XuG6tlhuWh_0jwjKauXwIxmhvMV0JS6d_qMcOHrrBfojxXJ4nDTke2fdNpttaZLWd9rNdulmWROsJHosSK4qRDMw7vPBevpUvS3LCk/s1600-h/elections-2009-south-africa.jpg"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5301682779295766210" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBvNZ8_Q-kHQAsrvvZQbYIZcVJ5Nl6k2CVJM_A6XuG6tlhuWh_0jwjKauXwIxmhvMV0JS6d_qMcOHrrBfojxXJ4nDTke2fdNpttaZLWd9rNdulmWROsJHosSK4qRDMw7vPBevpUvS3LCk/s400/elections-2009-south-africa.jpg" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 109px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" /></a> Political parties in South Africa have welcomed the announcement of this year's election date and have promised to have their rhetoric in top gear by then. Political analysts have tipped the ANC to produce the most grandiose claims before April 22, but they agree the Democratic Alliance can score an upset with some wild last-minute claims. President Kgalema Motlanthe took time off from his busy schedule of being invisible to announce the election date, confirming that April 21 will be the day on which grandiose claims by competing parties reach a crescendo. ANC spokesman Screamer Mkhize said his organization was confident of an overwhelming victory in the rhetorical battle that lay ahead, thanks to a long tradition of flowery rhetoric. "Disciplined cadres can speak uninterrupted for up to nine minutes without drawing breath," said Mkhize. "If we sense that we are about to be interrupted by a counterrevolutionary we simply repeat a word so they can't interject. "The result is that we we we we we we we we we we can eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh claim most of the the the the the the the the the airtime just by sounding eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh as if we are eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh choosing our words very carefully." He said the ANC has been resting Youth League President and rhetorical savant Julius Malema so that he can be on top form by the week of the election. He said he had no idea what Malema would say on April 21, as he wrote his own scripts, usually in crayon on his playroom wall. Malema was not available for comment as he was taking part in a break-dancing competition next to the swings, but insiders believe he will claim that the ANC is the greatest party in the history of the universe, and that if it ever came down to a fight between the ANC, the Ancient Romans and the British Navy of the 1940s, the ANC would win without breaking a sweat. Meanwhile the Democratic Alliance has vowed to up the rhetorical ante by trying to make claims that are not direct attacks on the ANC. Spokesman Worsie Verwoerd said that the party had decided to be much less negative and more forward-looking. "We've realised that we can't just have a platform where all we do is criticize the ANC," he said. "We've got to stand for something, not just against the ANC. "Which is why we in the Not-ANC are looking forward, and therefore away from the ANC, to a not-ANC future in which our non-ANC Youth League children can not vote ANC and get jobs not supplied by the ANC." He added that the DA boasted numerous achievements that could not be matched by any other party. "For example, out of all the party leaders who are white women called Helen, we've got the best one," he said. "Plus nobody else has a better red, white and blue logo, prominently featuring the letters D and A. We've really set the bar very high there."

Election scheduled for April 22, grandiose claims scheduled for April 21

Political parties in South Africa have welcomed the announcement of this year's election date and have promised to have their rhetoric i...

12:52 PM

After 15 years ANC thinkers make incompetence breakthrough

<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjueJW34s5voWMYC0-qx4i7uRlqgD6HctSa9EcXHhhZaPzC5H9cz1T2bHfl1BFTzLYIpNQ2pEjSk4Aten5nnEJpsgiGl-rGEGAsEYdag3_q_cMzK47FfSOTEJjDbe8GJ-RvHU9fIEfB-dE/s1600-h/Ballot+paper.jpg"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5301685620607361570" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjueJW34s5voWMYC0-qx4i7uRlqgD6HctSa9EcXHhhZaPzC5H9cz1T2bHfl1BFTzLYIpNQ2pEjSk4Aten5nnEJpsgiGl-rGEGAsEYdag3_q_cMzK47FfSOTEJjDbe8GJ-RvHU9fIEfB-dE/s400/Ballot+paper.jpg" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 181px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" /></a> PRETORIA. After fifteen years in power the ANC has for the first time threatened to sack non-performing ministers, saying that the groundbreaking concept to stop rewarding incompetence went against everything the new South Africa stood for but was necessary if the ruling party was going to carry out effective purges inside its organization. Speaking to journalists this morning ANC spokesman Yesman Mxenge said that the new concept, called "accountability", had sowed panic and confusion among ANC backbenchers. "The problem is that it's a very high-end concept," said Mxenge. "I'm not sure I understand it myself. "In a nutshell, it's basically that if you don't do the job you're being paid half a million a year to do, you don't get fired. "Wait, no, you do get fired. That's the part that keeps tripping us up." Asked if the new concept had been inspired by discontent from the electorate, Mxenge said that while voters' opinions were very important they were not very important at all. "It's a two-way relationship," he said. "The masses put us here, and we keep the masses there. We're happy with that relationship, and I'm sure they are too." He added that the masses "don't really seem to care" whether ANC politicians were competent or not. "We've won a bigger majority in every election we've contested, despite doubling the number of hours our backbenchers sleep in their offices every year, and quadrupling the catering budget." He said the dramatic breakthrough had come unexpectedly at a meeting of senior party leadership where Jacob Zuma was reading through a list of his enemies in the party and "wondering aloud how he could purge them from the ANC without frightening white business". "Just then Comrade Julius Malema redeployed himself from his playroom into the meeting, pushing one of his toy fire-engines in front of him and making siren sounds, and suggested that they set enemies on fire so that he could put them out with his fire-engine." He said they had discussed the possibility of incinerating opponents but had ultimately decided against it, as there would be significant legal costs involved, as well as a carbon footprint. "That's when they came up with firing," said Mxenge. "It goes counter to everything this country stands for, just firing incompetent people without offering them two years of paid leave, but the purge can't wait. "People. I meant people. Not the purge. The people can't wait."

After 15 years ANC thinkers make incompetence breakthrough

PRETORIA. After fifteen years in power the ANC has for the first time threatened to sack non-performing ministers, saying that the groundbr...

12:34 PM

Southern African leaders inspired by Mugabe Method for future elections

<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgT-j1XpBNJLWIV3xm8yyQRe-y18NQbsvzBXQ_O-ZIFtbsixplNk2QAtKaTu7Fu8RJaM-Anshbzh_68zoP7dGj4mknzkPboWDGLHNRCmWzKUOUefCEFRz8nK3ub2GeXbRgR6KnkkGtoTDI/s1600-h/mug-shot.jpg"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5299475533848094418" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgT-j1XpBNJLWIV3xm8yyQRe-y18NQbsvzBXQ_O-ZIFtbsixplNk2QAtKaTu7Fu8RJaM-Anshbzh_68zoP7dGj4mknzkPboWDGLHNRCmWzKUOUefCEFRz8nK3ub2GeXbRgR6KnkkGtoTDI/s320/mug-shot.jpg" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 248px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 320px" /></a>HARARE. Southern African leaders say they have been greatly inspired by the way in which Robert Mugabe has reinvented the concept of an election. "It's brilliant," said one head of state. "You can lose at the polls and still retain complete control. It really gives us hope for the future when our people get wise to this sweet little racket we've been running." Mugabe still retains all executive power almost a year after losing national elections, and this morning SADC leaders hailed the achievement as inspiring, reassuring and "kick-ass". "It's a beautiful method because it's so simple," said one President. "You just wait them out. You don't need policies or even a cabinet. You just need good multivitamins and regular prostate examinations. "You can be in power for as long as you live, and if you funnel state money into your hospital plan, that can be anything up to 120 years. It's so awesome." Another leader who wished to remain anonymous said that he had initially been startled by Mugabe's attitude to SADC intervention. "After the election we asked him if he wanted to step down as Chief of Zimbabwe, and his exact words were, 'You can all go and f*** yourselves'. "Obviously we were taken aback, but we gave it a try and we discovered that we loved going and f***ing ourselves. Self-love is so important nowadays. Especially if you're an African leader, because God knows the people don't love us." Asked how power-sharing negotiations were going, the leaders said they had no idea as they had not left the grounds of the Grace Mugabe Fun World Park outside Harare. One said he had been spending his days playing miniature golf. "Each hole has a fiberglass model of Ian Smith lying down with his mouth open and Comrade Mugabe standing on his throat. You have to hit the ball into Ian Smith's mouth. It's quite hard but I'm getting better." Another conceded that he "hadn't got out much" as he had been watching the Hallmark Channel. "We don't have Hallmark in my country," he said. "We only have TV1, which is reserved for my speeches, and TV2, which is reserved for my wife's motivational fireside chats. "These stories on Hallmark, they are very touching. It almost makes you believe that ordinary people have emotions and thoughts too, just like African presidents. "Spooky."

Southern African leaders inspired by Mugabe Method for future elections

HARARE. Southern African leaders say they have been greatly inspired by the way in which Robert Mugabe has reinvented the concept of an elec...

12:49 PM

SA slams anti-Semitism but asks meddling Jews not to provoke it

<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifWrmnqdobtgzKIPvvuSOtv5y08c4Pj5AVtRBxpn69-LC-hG84pgmo4SvjzNU1Al9ZsNhscv9j9B6oq4nk1IEFzsJkZ2VVLYFhqwYxD4S2rcYJ1rPJtn5BmDimD2EVKP1Asc320CU0pZI/s1600-h/arabis19.jpg"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5298601310845434818" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifWrmnqdobtgzKIPvvuSOtv5y08c4Pj5AVtRBxpn69-LC-hG84pgmo4SvjzNU1Al9ZsNhscv9j9B6oq4nk1IEFzsJkZ2VVLYFhqwYxD4S2rcYJ1rPJtn5BmDimD2EVKP1Asc320CU0pZI/s400/arabis19.jpg" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 279px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 400px" /></a>The South African government has officially condemned anti-Semitism after Deputy Foreign Affairs Minister Fatiema Hajaig accused Western countries of being controlled by "Jewish money". However it has asked Jews not to meddle in the controversy, appealing them to stay in their banks, operating theatres and jewelers' shops to avoid provoking the public. PRETORIA. The South African government has officially condemned anti-Semitism after Deputy Foreign Affairs Minister Fatiema Hajaig accused Western countries of being controlled by "Jewish money". However it has asked Jews not to meddle in the controversy, appealing them to stay in their banks, operating theatres and jewelers' shops to avoid provoking the public. Hajaig has been roundly condemned for her statements, made at a rally last week, in which she said that the "control of America, just like the control of most Western countries, is in the hands of Jewish money, and if Jewish money controls their country then you cannot expect anything". However this morning the Ministry of Foreign Affairs defended its Deputy Minister, saying that her statements had been taken out of context. "Our respect for Jews is as plain as the noses on their faces," said spokesman Adolph Sephuma "But we must stand by our Deputy Minister. I mean, who would you believe? A cadre of the ANC, or Shylock?" He said anti-Semitism was wrong and perpetuated "gross and harmful myths" about Jews. "Nobody is saying that Jews eat their babies, like it says in The Protocols of the Elders of Zion. Little prime cuts, maybe, but never the whole baby. That's ridiculous." However he urged Jews to stay indoors for their own safety until the fracas blew over, and warned them not to provoke non-Jews by spending money or trying to arrange marriages. He also suggested that Government would find it easier to protect Jews if they were more easily identifiable, "perhaps with arm-bands showing the Star of David". Asked if Hajaig would be fired or at least suspended, Sephuma said that as an ANC minister she would only be fired if she did "something suicidal, like making direct eye contact with Comrade Jacob Zuma". He also faced tough questions over Hajaig's diplomatic and academic qualifications, but confirmed that she had all the skills necessary to be an ANC Deputy Minister. He added that her copy of Diplomacy for Dummies, prominently displayed in her office next a box set of the films of Leni Riefenstahl, was just there for reference. <a href="http://www.hayibo.com/">www.hayibo.com</a> See full story here <a href="http://commentary.co.za/archives/2009/01/29/fatima-hajaigs-anti-semitism/">ANC's Fatima Hajaig’s Anti-Semitism</a>

SA slams anti-Semitism but asks meddling Jews not to provoke it

The South African government has officially condemned anti-Semitism after Deputy Foreign Affairs Minister Fatiema Hajaig accused Western cou...

1:25 PM

Malema not retarded, just 'really into his Wild West puppet-show'

<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEga85E8JZhbvlwWsF-Xmip__aC3qwnoxnR98-cAv-Qws6qBH4h8AXJoKZD9XHeOHU_x-sOtm57hnUuegjG1xOF1wATvCkb8zDpC2c6XGuBenI8G7LZ1WhYfaxsIZko16QNRMUiH4sWUDik/s1600-h/malema-jullius-baby077.jpg"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5294286014721516642" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEga85E8JZhbvlwWsF-Xmip__aC3qwnoxnR98-cAv-Qws6qBH4h8AXJoKZD9XHeOHU_x-sOtm57hnUuegjG1xOF1wATvCkb8zDpC2c6XGuBenI8G7LZ1WhYfaxsIZko16QNRMUiH4sWUDik/s400/malema-jullius-baby077.jpg" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 394px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 260px" /></a>The ANC has defended Youth League leader and prominent academic Julius Malema, saying his latest outburst in which he accused rival party COPE of being a Western puppet like Zimbabwe's opposition party, is not evidence that he is severely retarded but was instead inspired by his current favourite toy: a Wild West-themed puppet show. Malema was widely quoted in the national media yesterday as saying that COPE was being funded by "imperialists" who wanted to "micro-manage Africa" and "take over and exploit our mineral resources", and that they were "no different from the MDC". Asked whether it might not be a good idea for imperialists to micro-manage South Africa, given that the ANC seemed to have no interest in managing it on either a micro- or a macro-scale, Malema excused himself, saying it was time for his pink milk and a nap. This morning the ANC has defended Malema's apparent echoing of Robert Mugabe's paranoid rhetoric. Speaking to journalists inside the Snuki Zikalala Friends of Bulgaria Memorial Sauna, ANC spokesman Trepan Phosa denied that Malema was severely retarded. "One of three things has caused our Young Lion to compare COPE to the MDC and to thereby imply that the ANC is like the Zanu-PF," he said. "Either he is severely retarded, or he is a paranoid racist seeking to perpetuate Africa's death-spiral of endlessly blaming invisible enemies in the West, or he has been misunderstood." He said that the first option was "ludicrous", given the speed with which Malema read Archie comics during policy meetings and the ease with which he has picked up populist rabble-rousing rhetoric about scapegoats and violence. "He's also not a paranoid racist blaming the West for all the ills of Africa. On the contrary, he has a very clear and pragmatic idea of who is responsible: witches and evil magic frogs. "Clearly, then, there has been a misunderstanding." He said that Malema was "somewhat obsessed" with Western puppets since being given a Wild West-themed puppet show a month ago. "It's really quite lovely," said Phosa. "It's got cowboys and Indians, background scenery, everything." "He's always asking us to come and watch his plays, but we don't because he's quite bad. He moves his lips when he does the voices. Although come to think of it he moves his lips when he reads his Archie comics, so maybe he can't help it." He added that people should expect sporadic outbursts about Western puppets from Malema. "It's really all that's on his mind at the moment. Literally. "Perhaps when he gets a new toy he'll make some different allegations. But for now South Africans need to respect Comrade Malema's lifestyle choices, and stop being so mean to him." He asked the media to give Malema his privacy as he was having pink milk until noon, after which it was naptime. Source: <a href="http://www.hayibo.com/">www.hayibo.com</a>

Malema not retarded, just 'really into his Wild West puppet-show'

The ANC has defended Youth League leader and prominent academic Julius Malema, saying his latest outburst in which he accused rival party CO...

12:50 PM

Motlanthe urges Guinea military to hold rigged elections for legitimacy

<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9zcXx0KECwkWkSz6iDLT941Lso9nFTCKwO5qUWI27igBvyEsON_JYWfBpCTeHbOQYA_7RcnsEnTrMfe6DtxMZoftl6QfgAQ5CVRY6Kybhj2asi0f1819u2q3Sht-ldm8haLDPtG5VICc/s1600-h/Guinea+Coup+leaders.jpg"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5289424745118465506" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9zcXx0KECwkWkSz6iDLT941Lso9nFTCKwO5qUWI27igBvyEsON_JYWfBpCTeHbOQYA_7RcnsEnTrMfe6DtxMZoftl6QfgAQ5CVRY6Kybhj2asi0f1819u2q3Sht-ldm8haLDPtG5VICc/s400/Guinea+Coup+leaders.jpg" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 400px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 304px" /></a>PRETORIA. South African president Kgalema Motlanthe has condemned the military takeover of Guinea, saying that if coup leaders want to be seen as legitimate they must emulate Robert Mugabe by calling elections, beating and starving voters, and refusing to accept the outcome, before being given R300 million in aid by South African taxpayers. Guinea has dominated international diplomatic discussions since last week when its corrupt and autocratic military dictatorship was overthrown by corrupt and autocratic military dictators. The junta has vowed to move Guinea forward form the 1960s to the 1970s by changing the upholstery of government limousines and allowing army generals to grow Afros and wear more gold jewelry. It is understood that the citizens of Guinea have not yet realised that they have a new government as Members of Parliament are still wearing the same camouflage fatigues they wore last week. Speaking to journalists over a bowl of leftover trifle this morning, Motlanthe said it was unacceptable that African leaders still came to power by force, and urged the Guinean junta to rig elections as soon as possible. "It's the modern way," he said, adding that if the junta was unsure how to stage a sham poll they need only look at Zimbabwe. "As far as the South African government is concerned, Comrade Robert Mugabe did everything that was expected of him as a senior African statesman," said Motlanthe. "If Guinea's new leaders want us and the rest of the African Union to welcome them, they also need to do some serious ballot-box stuffing in the next few days. You can't just say you're president without having done the paperwork." He said that once the junta had imprisoned the necessary dissidents, South Africa would consider donating another R300 million in aid. Meanwhile Motlanthe has been widely quoted in the media as calling on Israeli and Palestinian officials to negotiate a two-state solution to their conflict, and journalists used this morning's briefing to ask him to explain his comments. Asked why he was dispensing advice to the Middle East while his government had failed so abjectly to address the unfolding crisis next door in Zimbabwe, Motlanthe said that it was "a lot easier talking about Palestine" because it was unlikely that anyone of any importance would listen to him. "That way we as the South African government can make statements without any consequences that might adversely impact out pensions one day," he explained. Source URL: <a href="http://www.hayibo.com/">http://www.hayibo.com/</a>

Motlanthe urges Guinea military to hold rigged elections for legitimacy

PRETORIA. South African president Kgalema Motlanthe has condemned the military takeover of Guinea, saying that if coup leaders want to be se...

11:42 AM

South Africa P.I.G.