JZ does his best work in the dark, so parliament opens at night

<p><span style="font-family:arial;font-size:130%;"><strong><span style="color:#990000;">Jacob Zuma broke with tradition on Thursday night when he delivered his state of the nation address after lights out, saying he did his best work in the dark. During his landmark speech Zuma declared the country to be surprisingly fecund, pregnant with possibility and with a cervix that was ripe for service delivery.<br /></span></strong><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFMnRYK9GK-UsCbQoShRolLnkcA02E9g_r96NRo8ejINHagXQ1HDdQ2Xeq_IDggBXdh21ILjBpfEnQ7-R_qanMrwUy2S8XPWQKfgZt6LwgcpnkyO_avrx9cvPQrc0djgkaZ2sVFhKjfCDm/s1600-h/Zumas_state_of_the_nation_address1.jpg"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5438595322266126738" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFMnRYK9GK-UsCbQoShRolLnkcA02E9g_r96NRo8ejINHagXQ1HDdQ2Xeq_IDggBXdh21ILjBpfEnQ7-R_qanMrwUy2S8XPWQKfgZt6LwgcpnkyO_avrx9cvPQrc0djgkaZ2sVFhKjfCDm/s400/Zumas_state_of_the_nation_address1.jpg" style="MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 390px; FLOAT: left; HEIGHT: 280px; CURSOR: hand" /></a>Zuma went on to stress that 2010 would be a year of both labour and action. "And by that the President probably means he wants to get on top of his work," explained political analyst Scrutiny Gwala.<br /><br />During his speech Zuma said, "The defining feature of this administration will be that it knows where people live, understands their needs, and responds faster."<br /><br />Gwala said the statement was not meant as a threat but a promise.<br /><br />"Although it's easy to see why people might be afraid," he added in a hushed voice. "How does he know where I live?<br /><br />"It's sounds like the sort of claim you find in the personal column of a newspaper," he said, "but I suppose it could mean other things as well."<br /><br />Aside from smutty double-entendres and veiled promises to the women-folk of South Africa, Zuma also said his government was planning to reduce crime by taking criminals off the street and incorporating them into the police force.<br /><br />"We are implementing plans to increase the number of police men and women by 10% over the next three years," he said, adding that it didn't matter how you got the criminals off the street as long as you did.<br /><br />He said criminals would have nothing to fear as the South African Police Service offered excellent opportunities for people trained in the arts of gun crime, bribery and extortion.<br /><br />Explaining the decision, Gwala said criminals would probably be free to continue with their usual antics, only now they would have to wear a uniform and pay a portion of their take to the boss.<br /><br />"It's why they call him the Commissioner," he said.</span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:130%;"><em><span style="font-size:100%;color:#000099;">hayibo.com</span></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:130%;"></span><p>

JZ does his best work in the dark, so parliament opens at night

Jacob Zuma broke with tradition on Thursday night when he delivered his state of the nation address after lights out, saying he did his best...

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Zuma ready to run the Valentine's Day gauntlet

<p><span style="font-family:arial;font-size:130%;"><strong><span style="color:#990000;">Sources close to Jacob Zuma say that the president is more "apprehensive" of the fast-approaching St Valentine’s Day than he is of the opening of parliament and his upcoming State Of The Nation address.</span></strong><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIXAPGyqtE03GL-1I24dZnyIkTnmYnJBGgAeHlLf95yu8ET6_1C1988TwAUVtJQ-dLr8mfFjWUh6zWq_nW4zegYWFaRCHnmkd7ZfYXG2TmsgjesUjkSypwJiEQS8cE-qqXYRK1rQf0KIaP/s1600-h/valentines-day.bmp"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5436787031709702898" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIXAPGyqtE03GL-1I24dZnyIkTnmYnJBGgAeHlLf95yu8ET6_1C1988TwAUVtJQ-dLr8mfFjWUh6zWq_nW4zegYWFaRCHnmkd7ZfYXG2TmsgjesUjkSypwJiEQS8cE-qqXYRK1rQf0KIaP/s320/valentines-day.bmp" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 252px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 320px" /></a>The evening, in which the president is obliged to meet up with and pay attention to all his various wives, fiancées, lovers, partners, mistresses, sweethearts, girlfriends, paramours, consorts, and significant others, is said to be the most gruelling event of the president's year.<br /><br />Presidential Wingman Sizwe “Slick” Kaleni has reported that the President has been losing sleep over the upcoming ordeal. "He wakes up in a cold sweat," Kaleni stated during a press briefing. "Even the seven or eight women he uses as blankets don’t calm him down. If anything, knowing that he’s going to have to spend a romantic evening with each of them individually just makes it worse."<br /><br />A medical team was called to the president’s house earlier this week to treat him for stress and deliver a crate of Hefner-grade viagra.<br /><br />A special planning committee, headed by Kaleni, has been convened to help the president through this difficult time. "This is a political minefield," Kaleni stated. "Working out how much he has to spend with each woman, where he met them, what promises he made, and which ones can't know about which other ones, is overwhelmingly difficult.<br /><br />"Remembering all their names is hard enough," he added.<br /><br />A team of researchers and speechwriters has spent the last three months briefing the president on appropriate talking points and sweet nothings.<br /><br />Other duties of the committee include organising several shipping-containers full of roses, and finding and booking more than a dozen intimate restaurants within easy driving distance of each other.<br /><br />Despite the months of careful planning, Kaleni says that the evening will still be a political gauntlet. "So many things could go wrong for him. Forgetting a name, not noticing a new dress, sleeping with the waitress. Any of these could ruin the evening."<br /><br />"At least it’s not Christmas," said Kaleni, "when he has to get presents for all of his children. When we got that wrong two years ago, the world economy collapsed."</span><br /><br /><em><span style="font-family:arial;font-size:85%;">hayibo.com</span></em>

Zuma ready to run the Valentine's Day gauntlet

Sources close to Jacob Zuma say that the president is more "apprehensive" of the fast-approaching St Valentine’s Day than he is of...

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Zapiro brings back the shower head

<p><div align="center"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEM3aKspXjHyGQ7us4qToym-eC4pBQqpnuivTTyTfyiJnywxQIF0Z0WwomGuyWJunTgjsMPIaX4BOF3juGi4Umva7KcsHUsVHT0cAcuxX3qUZaUds6x4Vz4csuqveJ9vdqKk9R61sfqZIk/s1600-h/zuma-baby-shower-zapiro-49.gif"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5435984165981566082" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEM3aKspXjHyGQ7us4qToym-eC4pBQqpnuivTTyTfyiJnywxQIF0Z0WwomGuyWJunTgjsMPIaX4BOF3juGi4Umva7KcsHUsVHT0cAcuxX3qUZaUds6x4Vz4csuqveJ9vdqKk9R61sfqZIk/s400/zuma-baby-shower-zapiro-49.gif" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 289px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" /></a><span style="font-family:arial;color:#000099;"><em>The latest Zapiro "Zuma baby shower" cartoon in this week's Mail & Guardian has been making waves on Twitter and elsewhere.</em></span></div><span style="font-family:arial;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;font-size:130%;">With criticism intensifying around President Jacob Zuma's sexual behaviour, political cartoonist Zapiro has brought back the Zuma showerhead.<br /><br />He said it was difficult to give Zuma a break.<br /><br />The cartoonist's latest drawing depicts a larger-than-ever shower firmly affixed to the president's head while delivering the State of the Nation address.<br /><br /><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5436282369194607426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNyyldNeQT4SsmynnY1B_dsYs_UoUxZNB_JMWVhJiy97-AjlCJzsszFLhsWL9zQqJ3BSrRF1Rsrx1zkFs5SXTt4eVqvPlXEuzAW_hKv5XEgZ-Ue7qiME64LkrYcWCKBWUn9ZSB4C8YPg0f/s400/zapiro-new_459658d.jpg" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 280px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" />Zapiro first used the shower image in 2006 after Zuma said he took a shower to protect himself from contracting HIV after having unprotected sex.<br /><br />The cartoonist temporarily detached the shower from Zuma last year, as a sign of giving the president a chance.<br /><br />Zapiro said Zuma's latest antics proved what most South Africans though about their president.<br /><br />"All sorts of people tried to give him a break. I lifted the shower off his head according to how well or badly I thought he was doing. More people are criticising, even from within his own ranks. It is obviously an opportunity for me to play around with the shower," said Zapiro.<br /><br />Zapiro said Zuma should be embarrassed to address the nation on Thursday.<br /><br />"He has so many children and so many scandals that follow him. It was bound to co-incide with something and as it happens it co-incides with the speech and if I were him I would be so embarrassed getting up in front of the nation," said Zapiro. </span><p>

Zapiro brings back the shower head

The latest Zapiro "Zuma baby shower" cartoon in this week's Mail & Guardian has been making waves on Twitter and elsewhere...

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