Sources close to Jacob Zuma say that the president is more "apprehensive" of the fast-approaching St Valentine’s Day than he is of the opening of parliament and his upcoming State Of The Nation address.
The evening, in which the president is obliged to meet up with and pay attention to all his various wives, fiancées, lovers, partners, mistresses, sweethearts, girlfriends, paramours, consorts, and significant others, is said to be the most gruelling event of the president's year.
Presidential Wingman Sizwe “Slick” Kaleni has reported that the President has been losing sleep over the upcoming ordeal. "He wakes up in a cold sweat," Kaleni stated during a press briefing. "Even the seven or eight women he uses as blankets don’t calm him down. If anything, knowing that he’s going to have to spend a romantic evening with each of them individually just makes it worse."
A medical team was called to the president’s house earlier this week to treat him for stress and deliver a crate of Hefner-grade viagra.
A special planning committee, headed by Kaleni, has been convened to help the president through this difficult time. "This is a political minefield," Kaleni stated. "Working out how much he has to spend with each woman, where he met them, what promises he made, and which ones can't know about which other ones, is overwhelmingly difficult.
"Remembering all their names is hard enough," he added.
A team of researchers and speechwriters has spent the last three months briefing the president on appropriate talking points and sweet nothings.
Other duties of the committee include organising several shipping-containers full of roses, and finding and booking more than a dozen intimate restaurants within easy driving distance of each other.
Despite the months of careful planning, Kaleni says that the evening will still be a political gauntlet. "So many things could go wrong for him. Forgetting a name, not noticing a new dress, sleeping with the waitress. Any of these could ruin the evening."
"At least it’s not Christmas," said Kaleni, "when he has to get presents for all of his children. When we got that wrong two years ago, the world economy collapsed."
hayibo.com
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