Malema ready for war against chickens, hunger, after economic war

<p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitD3VTfC96cYeiyKd41PR3__EXRtMwbHrrFC_qOWcTZzmvzKYw6Td_XVwOYFOwIQLl6denwxLIKYFM2-Pz5NOLe4Tz2EHilu9obtArcWF4KilZEzWDViAoYenllTMo072zTQuppF2bIuM9/s1600/chemalema.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="248" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitD3VTfC96cYeiyKd41PR3__EXRtMwbHrrFC_qOWcTZzmvzKYw6Td_XVwOYFOwIQLl6denwxLIKYFM2-Pz5NOLe4Tz2EHilu9obtArcWF4KilZEzWDViAoYenllTMo072zTQuppF2bIuM9/s400/chemalema.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> </div><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The ANC Youth League says it is already planning what to wage war against once it has won Julius Malema’s “economic war” against white capital in South Africa, with strategists predicting a total onslaught against the few chickens that will survive the economic meltdown. “We’ll fight anything, really, as long as it keeps us in the headlines,” said one planner.<br /><br />Malema’s threats, drafted by the ANCYL’s Bureau for Frightening White People So As To Get Into The Sunday Papers, called for South Africa’s landless poor to confiscate whites’ property, and described whites as criminals.<br /><br />This morning the landless poor said they had heard Malema’s call to arms but remained ambivalent.<br /><br />“Look, we know he’s just a self-enriching megalomaniac with a nifty turn of phrase,” explained Downtrodden Dube, who has lived in a milk carton since 1974. “But to be honest we’d rather have a self-enriching megalomaniac punting our cause than the usual sound of crickets you get when you mention economic transformation.”<br /><br />However, the ANCYL denied that it was simply grandstanding.<br /><br />We are going to take back all the land that is historically ours,” explained spokesman Zanu Phosa. “Mostly in Sandton and Cape Town’s Atlantic seaboard.”<br /><br />He said that the second phase of the economic war would be to take back “all the luxury German cars that were stolen from our people by the Dutch and British colonialists in the 17th and 18th Centuries”.<br /><br />When it was suggested to Phosa that a Zimbabwe-style confiscation of white-owned land – and the inevitable flight of white capital – would hurt poor black South Africans far more than whites, he said that “there are always casualties in war, even in a fake vote-buying war”.<br /><br />"If we have to starve a million blacks to mildly inconvenience a hundred whites, then that is a sacrifice we are willing to make,” he said.<br /><br />He added that plans were already in place to launch a massive strike against any chickens that survived the future economic meltdown, as part of a war against stabbing hunger pains.<br /><br />“For too long chickens have strutted around uneaten, flaunting their feathery tendencies,” he said. “But the day is coming when they will pay for their arrogance, when 50-million starving people come for them.”<br /><br />He said once the chickens and hunger pains had been defeated, the League would declare war on international aid agencies for delivering emergency maize rations in “racist white sacks”, before finally declaring war on the flies that gathered on the lips of the League’s surviving cadres.<br /><br />Source: hayibo.com</span><p>

Malema ready for war against chickens, hunger, after economic war

  The ANC Youth League says it is already planning what to wage war against once it has won Julius Malema’s “economic war” against white cap...

Read more »

School-leavers fully prepared for unemployment, says Education Department

<p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="color: #990000;"><span style="color: #990000;"><strong>The national Department of Education has hailed as a “runaway success” more than a decade of outcomes-based education, theoretical cul-de-sacs, wholesale cooking of results and being held hostage by robber-barons posing as teachers’ unions, saying that school-leavers are finally being adequately prepared for a lifetime of unemployment.</strong></span></span></span><br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXju98j9D4FV_18HpZSa3bpYmArOVzx65tg1TyQVEEpG9I9Fi1wk6jcGqS92lVMCXsWHNVyOPik-ArZDrKB3pSkyX92n873wZKr9KRa0lx7ouAyrTVXNWrFsyk9CckKcbHv4XeS0Xgdef6/s1600/DrunkStudents6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="462" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXju98j9D4FV_18HpZSa3bpYmArOVzx65tg1TyQVEEpG9I9Fi1wk6jcGqS92lVMCXsWHNVyOPik-ArZDrKB3pSkyX92n873wZKr9KRa0lx7ouAyrTVXNWrFsyk9CckKcbHv4XeS0Xgdef6/s640/DrunkStudents6.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;"><br /><span style="font-size: small;">This morning Suxtobiyu Khumalo, head of the department’s Committee for Planning Potential Education Outcomes That Result Potentially from Planning By Committee, said that South Africa could now consider itself a world leader in providing school-leavers with the critical lack of non-skills they needed to be competitively uncompetitive in today’s over-saturated unemployment market.<br /><br />“Like the academically disinclined 22-year-old in Matric, our motto is: If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again,” said Khumalo. “You know, like the national education policy for the last five years: do the same thing every year and hope for exponentially improving results, and when those don’t happen, do the same thing again, except this time make disappointed comments in the Sunday newspapers before you get redeployed as Deputy Minister of Forestry.”<br /><br />According to Khumalo, the Committee’s research had concluded that traditional education was too focussed on equipping students for productive, professional careers.<br /><br />“Everybody knows that unemployment is a growth industry at the moment, and if you’re going to get in on the ground floor – or in the gutter, where many of our finest graduates now find themselves – you’ve got to plan accordingly.”<br /><br />He said that as a result, most schoolchildren in South Africa were now placed in “post-school simulation scenario role-play simulations – did I already say ‘simulation’?”<br /><br />“We provide a totally realistic model of their careers as unemployed people,” he explained. “They sit in dark, overcrowded rooms, and are sporadically shouted at, ordered around or molested by people in leadership positions.”<br /><br />He said many graduates had written to him, often in soot scribbled on UIF forms, thanking him for preparing them for the realities of modern South Africa.<br /><br />“At least I think they were thanking me,” he said. “Or maybe they were asking for medical attention and emergency rations. That’s the great thing about Outcomes-based Education: you can totally make up your own mind about stuff.”<br /></span></span><br /><em><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><a href="http://www.hayibo.com/school-leavers-fully-prepared-for-unemployment-says-education-department/">Source</a></span></em><p>

School-leavers fully prepared for unemployment, says Education Department

The national Department of Education has hailed as a “runaway success” more than a decade of outcomes-based education, theoretical cul-de-sa...

Read more »

Malema: I just wanted to feel what it was like to be white

<p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6ktrkJDX7aYdergdot3FG5qEUzkJ-_LqCgPC20X1adgJAWTZiZQ6XcL2zyn5Ee1oyjJVb42XTImGsyt4ZUCoM96XuiahoaGxxhit_v7VBcNl_LwlRb-UEIRVEHzmskX1bdrOX590EGg7m/s1600/juju9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="318" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6ktrkJDX7aYdergdot3FG5qEUzkJ-_LqCgPC20X1adgJAWTZiZQ6XcL2zyn5Ee1oyjJVb42XTImGsyt4ZUCoM96XuiahoaGxxhit_v7VBcNl_LwlRb-UEIRVEHzmskX1bdrOX590EGg7m/s320/juju9.jpg" width="320" /></a><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="color: #990000; font-size: small;"><strong>The ANC Youth League says that weekend revelations about Julius Malema’s trust fund were not a surprise to them and that they shouldn’t have come as a surprise to anyone else. “Julius lives according to an ancient Pedi custom which says you shouldn’t judge a man until you have strolled a stretch in his sandals,” said spokesperson Fistful Mdala. “He is just trying to experience what it is like to be white.”</strong></span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /><br /></span></div><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Mdala added that aside from the trust fund, Malema had also acquired a farm so that he could research the pros and cons of land grabs from both sides.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“It might look bad now,” said Mdala, “But this way when Julius puts his arm around the shoulders of a farmer who has just had his land seized by a 20 year old war veteran, and tells him that he knows how it feels, he really will know.”</span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Mdala said that aside from the trust fund and the farm, Malema had been exploring several other white tendencies that the paper had failed to report.</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Julius also has a maid called Gladys who comes on Tuesdays and Thursdays. He hangs out at organic markets on Saturday’s, watches rugby and wears veldskoens. ”</span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He added that Malema had toyed with the idea of living in a squat in Wimbledon for a while to ensure that he got the complete ‘white experience’ but that in the end he had not been that desperate to get the full experience.</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When it was explained that having the Trust Fund was not the issue – that it was rather a case of where the money came from – Mdala said, “Exactly!”</span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He added, “We have no issue with the privately educated white youth, who take gap years between their gap years instead of calling themselves unemployed and similarly nobody should take issue with future President Malema for being similarly comfortable.</span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“The problem is with the dads and granddads, who exploited the poor black masses to make their fortunes.”</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He said that in this regard the Youth League were delighted that Malema had mimicked the white experience perfectly.</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Meanwhile asked to offer an adult opinion on the matter the ANC said that trust funds were standard procedure for high ranking members who were not elected. “It’s why we like being in an alliance with the SACP and COSATU,” said spokesperson Luscious Mpundu.</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“For each position one of them fills, there’s another one of us in the queue at Capitec waiting to open a family trust.”</span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He said it was common knowledge within the ANC that it was far more profitable to operate from an unelected position.</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“What good is influence and populist rhetoric if you don’t back it up with a trust fund?” he asked.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><em><a href="http://www.hayibo.com/malema-i-just-wanted-to-feel-what-it-was-like-to-be-white/">Source</a></em></span><p>

Malema: I just wanted to feel what it was like to be white

The ANC Youth League says that weekend revelations about Julius Malema’s trust fund were not a surprise to them and that they shouldn’t hav...

Read more »

SA politicians return to luxury sleep bunkers until 2014

<p><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJmyUPqpOCZ-_dou-fcVbO3TKAjYpz0Lci322HCChzyen02GRONOHGVsCLv7YMPCYbIc34o3j-YQ8MMJpqDfnEkSl6bPpCJ0LNd2s-iF99vgKhABA-X98Exd4fZNudSKsMrToLDkHAAfU3/s1600/zuma%252Bmalema+2014.jpg"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5610835401218601186" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJmyUPqpOCZ-_dou-fcVbO3TKAjYpz0Lci322HCChzyen02GRONOHGVsCLv7YMPCYbIc34o3j-YQ8MMJpqDfnEkSl6bPpCJ0LNd2s-iF99vgKhABA-X98Exd4fZNudSKsMrToLDkHAAfU3/s400/zuma%252Bmalema+2014.jpg" style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" /></a><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">With votes safely in the bag and no further reason to participate in South African society, politicians from all parties are filing into their luxury underground dormitory-bunkers where they will sleep peacefully until 2014. “So long, suckers!” said one as she slipped into her cryo-tybe and attached a tube to her nose through which she will be fed Johnny Walker Blue Label.<br /><br />South African politicians are largely nocturnal, appearing briefly for a few nights just before major elections to forage for votes, before disappearing again for another few years.<br /><br />This year has proved no different, with satisfied political figures seen this morning sleepily picking which pyjamas they will wear and which plush toy they will sleep with until the next elections in 2014.<br /><br />According to insiders, soothing music is piped into their sleeping chambers and Dire Straits is reportedly a firm favourite.<br /><br />“That song that goes ‘Money for the nothing and the chicks for free’, that basically sums up being a politician in Mzansi,” yawned ANC backbencher Kikbax Mazibuko.<br /><br />“The three-year inter-election hyper-sleep is a great chance to dream up future policy,” explained DA MP Deloozhin Naidoo. “Sarafina 2, quiet diplomacy, land reform, Shoot The Boer – all that crazy stuff was dreamt up in the cryo-tube.”<br /><br />However, said ANC stalwart Stalwart Smallwort, it was sometimes difficult to “shake off the grogginess” after a long sleep, adding that dream and reality could easily blur.<br /><br />“Take Comrade Julius,” he said. “He’s basically been in REM-sleep since 2007. We don’t shake him or poke him with a knitting-needle because it’s dangerous to wake sleepwalkers.”<br /><br />Meanwhile many politicians were finding it difficult to go to sleep this year as the excitement of yet another unearned term kept them up past their bed time.<br /><br />“We’ll give them another five minutes but then it’s lights out,” said ANC Deputy Speaker, Gavel Gumede.<br /><br />“After all, it is terribly exciting. Imagine you’re in a job you’re not really qualified for and you earn a million bucks a year. For years you do absolutely nothing. Then you get called in by the boss who says you’ve lost three percent of your support-base in the company. But you can keep your job. And you’re getting an inflation-linked raise next year.<br /><br />“He’s basically employing you for another term to do sweet f*ckall. That pretty much sums up a life in politics. Dude, democracy is the bomb!”<br /><br />President Jacob ‘The Sandman’ Zuma said he usually went to bed last after telling his politicians a bedtime fairytale.<br /><br />“The more outlandish and fantastical the better,” smiled Msholozi. “They love The Golden Goose, or as we know it, The Little Taxpayer Who Could; and they also like Helen Zille and the Three Bears, where a stupid white girl steals the resources of three revolutionary woodland animals.”<br /><br />But, he said, their favourite fairytale was still ‘Together We Can Build Better Communities’.<br /><br />“It’s just so fantastical that they soon slip away into warm, contented dreamland.”</span><br /></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;font-size:85%;"><em>source:- hayibo.com<br /></em></span></p>

SA politicians return to luxury sleep bunkers until 2014

With votes safely in the bag and no further reason to participate in South African society, politicians from all parties are filing into the...

Read more »

‘Shoot The Politician’ to be new hit struggle song

<p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwsnmlVxnCCXEfPMsbD0tjEZwhtWKsxM6UnsRAeUHyHYU7XZz2nlm3XmaTAoNIR3d-aLWhXS2W6-Grh0rD64zdt1No0i3QpcsSLXVzdyHJsE1uLtGYFp7agWC2zItAKKZ2SajjRjzljsxX/s1600/motivator-democracy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="512" r6="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwsnmlVxnCCXEfPMsbD0tjEZwhtWKsxM6UnsRAeUHyHYU7XZz2nlm3XmaTAoNIR3d-aLWhXS2W6-Grh0rD64zdt1No0i3QpcsSLXVzdyHJsE1uLtGYFp7agWC2zItAKKZ2SajjRjzljsxX/s640/motivator-democracy.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">A catchy new struggle song, ‘Shoot the politician’, has been hailed by the 20-million South African voters who get nothing in return for their vote. “If ‘Shoot The Boer’ refers to a struggle against a corrupt anti-democratic system rather than being a call for genocide, then MP’s won’t have a problem if we sing ‘Shoot the politician’,” explained a spokesman. “Ain’t democracy a bitch?”</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Meanwhile some white farmers have expressed “slight discomfort” at their taxes being used to pay for Julius Malema’s hate speech defence.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">“Call us reactionary counterrevolutionaries,” said farmer Ploeg Spoeg-Kroeg, “but doesn’t it strike anyone else as a bit odd that we’re paying lawyers to defend Julius’s right to call for us to be murdered?”</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">However, most legal experts have agreed that the song ‘Shoot the Boer’ is not a call for actual murder but a call to arms against the repressive apartheid regime, a verdict that has been welcomed by the writers of the new hit struggle song, ‘Shoot the politician’.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">“When we sing, ‘Shoot the politician, blow the corrupt thieving complacent racist motherf*cker away’, we’re actually just calling for greater accountability,” explained songwriter Stratocaster Semenya. “Or maybe we aren’t, but that all depends on what the lawyers say. And how much longer our patience holds out.”</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">He said that references to specific people were also harmlessly metaphorical.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">“The second verse goes, ‘Shoot Sicelo Shiceka, shoot him in the ass with buckshot made of diamonds, then rub wasabi paste onto his perforated ass, then shoot him in the ass again, don’t worry, he’s got medical aid’.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">“Obviously in this case he is just a metaphor for all the criminally insane MPs who use taxpayers’ money to visit their girlfriends in Swiss jails. So chill. It’s not a threat.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">“Or is it?”</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">This morning politicians from across the political spectrum reacted angrily to the song, saying that freedom of speech was nice in theory but when it “blundered with its grubby peasant clogs through the hallowed members-only halls of Parliament and threatened those who account to nobody but God, their bank managers and Jacob Zuma – in ascending orders – then it has gone too far”.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">“You can’t go around calling for people to be shot,” said backbencher Filibuster Zuma. “Unless you’re referring to Boere. Or criminals. Or cockroaches. And by cockroaches we mean of course political opponents, and we mean ‘shoot’ in a metaphorical sense. Sort of, depending on the context.”</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small;"><em>hayibo.com</em></span><p>

‘Shoot The Politician’ to be new hit struggle song

A catchy new struggle song, ‘Shoot the politician’, has been hailed by the 20-million South African voters who get nothing in return for the...

Read more »

Zuma extends apartheid blame cut-off deadline as ANC cadres panic

<p><span style="font-family:arial;font-size:130%;"><strong><span style="color:#990000;">Jacob Zuma has reassured panicky ANC-appointed civil servants, saying that his demand that they stop blaming apartheid for their incompetence would only apply after 20 years of ANC rule. He said that blaming apartheid had provided job-security for thousands of incompetent cadres, adding that they had "at least four more years".</span></strong><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEim_MhBspQr6Dczvkhz1CjoEYrWWUN2j-rePlTTapXF7WFQ5ZoLTL2jLXsP0ANKz9NwmwkSOw9w0zw6Yx3J_qecilQm7ZCwljqyxYyDdtdi9hpLJeQVwMjz8i5OmoT9ZzwnxQuBXnhfIBk8/s1600/Apartheid23.jpg"></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNxNylL2-w-fwZifODGwjQsaSqxEqPMAYvbtJY-XRwV5dVmAVwZlYQjNTt3SguYrqWPhklY2Ct_6NQdqojmNyPOFlLSdYOgrzIA0txxMLwuK0EDFFfyCZpGfFP2x-l0cdqSgsCpJ6yQddo/s1600/FACEBOOK.jpg"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5464573354260545986" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNxNylL2-w-fwZifODGwjQsaSqxEqPMAYvbtJY-XRwV5dVmAVwZlYQjNTt3SguYrqWPhklY2Ct_6NQdqojmNyPOFlLSdYOgrzIA0txxMLwuK0EDFFfyCZpGfFP2x-l0cdqSgsCpJ6yQddo/s400/FACEBOOK.jpg" style="MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 400px; FLOAT: left; HEIGHT: 321px; CURSOR: hand" /></a>Zuma triggered mass panic amongst loyal party cadres last week when he announced that that they could no longer blame apartheid for their catastrophic incompetence.<br /><br />However this morning he reassured them, saying that their Grade 4 mathematics skills lay at the root of the misunderstanding.<br /><br />"I said 'after two decades'," explained Zuma. "And if you add 20 years to 1994 you get, er, you get..."<br /><br />A presidential aide consulted a calculator and confirmed that 1994 plus 20 years was 2014.<br /><br />"Which means ANC cadres have at least four more years of being able to blame apartheid for not doing their jobs," said Zuma.<br /><br />Asked if incompetent civil servants could start blaming the ANC from 2015 onwards, given the party's complete inability to create a functioning education system or efficient, non-corrupt civil service, Zuma said that they could try as long as they had "a taste for teargas and rubber bullets".<br /><br />Meanwhile the President's message has been echoed by Minister With No Real Job, Trevor Manuel, who urged the country's citizens to take responsibility.<br /><br />Audience members said they were not sure what "responsibility" was, but added that they were always happy to take anything as long as it was free or if the ANC could quash theft charges afterwards. </span><p>

Zuma extends apartheid blame cut-off deadline as ANC cadres panic

Jacob Zuma has reassured panicky ANC-appointed civil servants, saying that his demand that they stop blaming apartheid for their incompetenc...

Read more »

Army of 3000 standing by, ready to kill white people

<p><strong><span style="color:#990000;"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5443461807663054578" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4MBif3Fg1lTc79yj-ZdnHji6mNAyLD2y9PBV-RlRxchGTsrXNDW02tRyaInsxJT1XaftgQzT3asR7dS0C6dX6afnJGV1joRfzIwE52uXYyXZ_7IpiPGFcPHlbGuTUYhmju-_KcT0dfmNj/s400/parody.jpg" style="MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; WIDTH: 56px; FLOAT: right; HEIGHT: 53px; CURSOR: hand" /></span></strong><span style="font-family:arial;font-size:130%;"><strong><span style="color:#990000;">The Auditor-General is set to be called in to help solve the numerical mystery of how the PAC, who could only muster 23 votes in the 2009 election, can suddenly lay claim to having an army of 3000 soldiers.</span></strong><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMMk9BQlaEoMOaNGj-wUSC0xVR27yibGaiUiKCmbP2GbdZ5FP2GI6Kyqw2gjt4Uihg-N09EeiOsH5xPWVnRMzZ_bwL52yG9H0Kd4Qk8ClSxfNMPTZ2N2kbrUfoypGTDUe0RugoHAglDMtS/s1600-h/Facebook_PAC.jpg"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5443464685605734306" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMMk9BQlaEoMOaNGj-wUSC0xVR27yibGaiUiKCmbP2GbdZ5FP2GI6Kyqw2gjt4Uihg-N09EeiOsH5xPWVnRMzZ_bwL52yG9H0Kd4Qk8ClSxfNMPTZ2N2kbrUfoypGTDUe0RugoHAglDMtS/s400/Facebook_PAC.jpg" style="MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 400px; FLOAT: left; HEIGHT: 278px; CURSOR: hand" /></a>The mystery was highlighted after warnings appeared on the PAC's Facebook page on Thursday, suggesting an army of nearly 3000 soldiers was standing by to kill white people within 24 hours.<br /><br />A spokesperson for the Auditor General, Numbers Vilikazi, said that while on the surface the figures didn't stack up, investigation could expose plausible explanations. "It could be former Cope mercenaries who switched sides in order to see more action," he said.<br /><br />"Or perhaps the PAC has forged a deadly alliance with Amway. It would certainly explain how an organisation with nothing to offer could show such exponential growth."<br /><br />Vilikazi said that no matter what, the PAC's claims were serious and should definitely be investigated. "Even if it is just to find out how they plan to do it," he said. "Each soldier would have to kill 1500 white people for the plan to work.<br /><br />"And however you look at it, that's a lot of ears to wear on a string around your neck," he said.<br /><br />Meanwhile a spokesperson for white South Africans, Charles Albumen, said he didn't expect white-folk to behave any differently as a result of the threat.<br /><br />"An army of 3000 people is usually quite easy to spot," he said, "Especially if they all move around together."<br /><br />He said that as a precautionary measure it was being recommended that white people avoid places where large groups of black people, who could be the PAC's secret army, might congregate.<br /><br />"Post office queues. Mini-bus taxis. Townships. Those are the sort of places we are advising our previously advantaged brethren to avoid," he said.<br /><br />Albumen said that because those were places white people never visited anyway it would pretty much be business as usual for them.</span> <p><em><span style="font-family:Arial;">hayibo.com</span><br /></em></p>

Army of 3000 standing by, ready to kill white people

The Auditor-General is set to be called in to help solve the numerical mystery of how the PAC, who could only muster 23 votes in the 2009 el...

Read more »

JZ does his best work in the dark, so parliament opens at night

<p><span style="font-family:arial;font-size:130%;"><strong><span style="color:#990000;">Jacob Zuma broke with tradition on Thursday night when he delivered his state of the nation address after lights out, saying he did his best work in the dark. During his landmark speech Zuma declared the country to be surprisingly fecund, pregnant with possibility and with a cervix that was ripe for service delivery.<br /></span></strong><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFMnRYK9GK-UsCbQoShRolLnkcA02E9g_r96NRo8ejINHagXQ1HDdQ2Xeq_IDggBXdh21ILjBpfEnQ7-R_qanMrwUy2S8XPWQKfgZt6LwgcpnkyO_avrx9cvPQrc0djgkaZ2sVFhKjfCDm/s1600-h/Zumas_state_of_the_nation_address1.jpg"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5438595322266126738" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFMnRYK9GK-UsCbQoShRolLnkcA02E9g_r96NRo8ejINHagXQ1HDdQ2Xeq_IDggBXdh21ILjBpfEnQ7-R_qanMrwUy2S8XPWQKfgZt6LwgcpnkyO_avrx9cvPQrc0djgkaZ2sVFhKjfCDm/s400/Zumas_state_of_the_nation_address1.jpg" style="MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 390px; FLOAT: left; HEIGHT: 280px; CURSOR: hand" /></a>Zuma went on to stress that 2010 would be a year of both labour and action. "And by that the President probably means he wants to get on top of his work," explained political analyst Scrutiny Gwala.<br /><br />During his speech Zuma said, "The defining feature of this administration will be that it knows where people live, understands their needs, and responds faster."<br /><br />Gwala said the statement was not meant as a threat but a promise.<br /><br />"Although it's easy to see why people might be afraid," he added in a hushed voice. "How does he know where I live?<br /><br />"It's sounds like the sort of claim you find in the personal column of a newspaper," he said, "but I suppose it could mean other things as well."<br /><br />Aside from smutty double-entendres and veiled promises to the women-folk of South Africa, Zuma also said his government was planning to reduce crime by taking criminals off the street and incorporating them into the police force.<br /><br />"We are implementing plans to increase the number of police men and women by 10% over the next three years," he said, adding that it didn't matter how you got the criminals off the street as long as you did.<br /><br />He said criminals would have nothing to fear as the South African Police Service offered excellent opportunities for people trained in the arts of gun crime, bribery and extortion.<br /><br />Explaining the decision, Gwala said criminals would probably be free to continue with their usual antics, only now they would have to wear a uniform and pay a portion of their take to the boss.<br /><br />"It's why they call him the Commissioner," he said.</span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:130%;"><em><span style="font-size:100%;color:#000099;">hayibo.com</span></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:130%;"></span><p>

JZ does his best work in the dark, so parliament opens at night

Jacob Zuma broke with tradition on Thursday night when he delivered his state of the nation address after lights out, saying he did his best...

Read more »

Zuma ready to run the Valentine's Day gauntlet

<p><span style="font-family:arial;font-size:130%;"><strong><span style="color:#990000;">Sources close to Jacob Zuma say that the president is more "apprehensive" of the fast-approaching St Valentine’s Day than he is of the opening of parliament and his upcoming State Of The Nation address.</span></strong><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIXAPGyqtE03GL-1I24dZnyIkTnmYnJBGgAeHlLf95yu8ET6_1C1988TwAUVtJQ-dLr8mfFjWUh6zWq_nW4zegYWFaRCHnmkd7ZfYXG2TmsgjesUjkSypwJiEQS8cE-qqXYRK1rQf0KIaP/s1600-h/valentines-day.bmp"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5436787031709702898" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIXAPGyqtE03GL-1I24dZnyIkTnmYnJBGgAeHlLf95yu8ET6_1C1988TwAUVtJQ-dLr8mfFjWUh6zWq_nW4zegYWFaRCHnmkd7ZfYXG2TmsgjesUjkSypwJiEQS8cE-qqXYRK1rQf0KIaP/s320/valentines-day.bmp" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 252px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 320px" /></a>The evening, in which the president is obliged to meet up with and pay attention to all his various wives, fiancées, lovers, partners, mistresses, sweethearts, girlfriends, paramours, consorts, and significant others, is said to be the most gruelling event of the president's year.<br /><br />Presidential Wingman Sizwe “Slick” Kaleni has reported that the President has been losing sleep over the upcoming ordeal. "He wakes up in a cold sweat," Kaleni stated during a press briefing. "Even the seven or eight women he uses as blankets don’t calm him down. If anything, knowing that he’s going to have to spend a romantic evening with each of them individually just makes it worse."<br /><br />A medical team was called to the president’s house earlier this week to treat him for stress and deliver a crate of Hefner-grade viagra.<br /><br />A special planning committee, headed by Kaleni, has been convened to help the president through this difficult time. "This is a political minefield," Kaleni stated. "Working out how much he has to spend with each woman, where he met them, what promises he made, and which ones can't know about which other ones, is overwhelmingly difficult.<br /><br />"Remembering all their names is hard enough," he added.<br /><br />A team of researchers and speechwriters has spent the last three months briefing the president on appropriate talking points and sweet nothings.<br /><br />Other duties of the committee include organising several shipping-containers full of roses, and finding and booking more than a dozen intimate restaurants within easy driving distance of each other.<br /><br />Despite the months of careful planning, Kaleni says that the evening will still be a political gauntlet. "So many things could go wrong for him. Forgetting a name, not noticing a new dress, sleeping with the waitress. Any of these could ruin the evening."<br /><br />"At least it’s not Christmas," said Kaleni, "when he has to get presents for all of his children. When we got that wrong two years ago, the world economy collapsed."</span><br /><br /><em><span style="font-family:arial;font-size:85%;">hayibo.com</span></em>

Zuma ready to run the Valentine's Day gauntlet

Sources close to Jacob Zuma say that the president is more "apprehensive" of the fast-approaching St Valentine’s Day than he is of...

Read more »

Developing nations rush to jump on Haiti bandwagon

<p><span style="font-family:arial;font-size:130%;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiw0-sHtyb1SFSXP2nVzva1mnZYMd_JkI6Wg9bRvFm7Yp-_GegRBwndRU4RH0Db8ibtP0pYK5SRBG3mzlIutprU3MtYcBWBijsL_xdDFCuQ5ySI_-MSkE1lneujtiHej1nutSZ06_rrTYmy/s1600-h/parody.jpg"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5435923106861262530" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiw0-sHtyb1SFSXP2nVzva1mnZYMd_JkI6Wg9bRvFm7Yp-_GegRBwndRU4RH0Db8ibtP0pYK5SRBG3mzlIutprU3MtYcBWBijsL_xdDFCuQ5ySI_-MSkE1lneujtiHej1nutSZ06_rrTYmy/s400/parody.jpg" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 56px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 53px" /></a>Developing countries say the catastrophe in Haiti has taught them some important lessons on how to get noticed by the international community. "We're hoping for a volcano, or at least a mud-slide," said the Foreign Minister of the Democratic Republic of Congo. "Clearly it's a natural disaster or nothing."</span><span style="font-family:arial;font-size:130%;"><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9_AE52zoY71BhfD2wVUhT5BEYaUE7qPG_CoNi8ir1D6KyPA2WvCN7Pox-YgU-iDSqKnoZEJ-aQ6YSKAdbVdMrzn7s3brFTL-U16sVOw_8oSA0UJ2oXAwx6WsGKe_jOIw7Dx7uytIJZO83/s1600-h/haiti_UN_oil.jpg"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5430812314729433410" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9_AE52zoY71BhfD2wVUhT5BEYaUE7qPG_CoNi8ir1D6KyPA2WvCN7Pox-YgU-iDSqKnoZEJ-aQ6YSKAdbVdMrzn7s3brFTL-U16sVOw_8oSA0UJ2oXAwx6WsGKe_jOIw7Dx7uytIJZO83/s400/haiti_UN_oil.jpg" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 400px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 246px" /></a>According to the DRC official, Jean-Luc Propakanda, Haiti had gone "overnight from being one of the most horrific places on earth where people eat mud flavoured with cooking oil, to the world's darling.<br /><br />"We want in on that action," he said.<br /><br />The DRC leapt to contribute $2.5 million in aid, a move questioned by DRC citizens who currently survive on a diet of diesel fumes and boiled artillery shells.<br /><br />However Propakanda defended the move.<br /><br />"It's not so much a donation as a consultancy fee for advice on how to replicate Haiti's tremendous publicity coup and maybe voodoo up an earthquake of our own."<br /><br />He said that the DRC was doing everything it could to gain the world's sympathy.<br /><br />"We've got child soldiers, a rape pandemic, we blow away gorillas on sight. Hell, we've even resorted to cannibalism. We've killed 5 million people in the last 14 years. And what do we get? Nothing. Not even a whiff of a CNN correspondent."<br /><br />Other "worst places on earth" including Afghanistan and Sudan, have expressed an interest in following Haiti's formula for getting attention and aid.<br /><br />"If we had any water we'd organise a tsunami," said Sudan's Deputy Minister for Closet Genocide. "But somehow spraying people with a hose isn't quite the same."<br /><br />A spokesman for CNN, who wished to remain anonymous, confirmed that Sudan would not be appearing on television for some time, as "drought and pestilence just aren't sexy any more".<br /><br />Haiti spokespeople were too busy pulling dead bodies from the rubble to comment. </span></p><p><span style="font-family:arial;font-size:85%;color:#000099;"><em>hayibo.com</em></span></p><p><span style="font-family:arial;font-size:85%;color:#000099;"><em></p></em></span>

Developing nations rush to jump on Haiti bandwagon

Developing countries say the catastrophe in Haiti has taught them some important lessons on how to get noticed by the international communit...

Read more »

Government warns World Cup stab vests useless against taxi fenders

<p><span style="font-family:arial;font-size:130%;"><strong><span style="color:#990000;">A knife-proof vest being marketed to British tourists as a must-have item at the 2010 World Cup has been slammed by the South African government, which says it is completely pointless as most tourists killed will either be shot or run over by taxis. However, the country has recommitted itself to killing as few tourists as possible.</span></strong><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsE7s7VZQmfc0IXFXhYnE7fxJQQYaT_QNapHXX4Y_dTyd7TMDfyyA4afwQa5CehzlOQ_zsKv2dkgHKye7PhC348i0bEXjjuWRaLrkd8dnElWJ0vd1o4TTn85JxE4aBwKUFliKElkHZTj-8/s1600-h/EnglandFront.gif"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5428921751894545586" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsE7s7VZQmfc0IXFXhYnE7fxJQQYaT_QNapHXX4Y_dTyd7TMDfyyA4afwQa5CehzlOQ_zsKv2dkgHKye7PhC348i0bEXjjuWRaLrkd8dnElWJ0vd1o4TTn85JxE4aBwKUFliKElkHZTj-8/s400/EnglandFront.gif" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 192px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 192px" /></a>According to the BBC, the so-called stab vests are being marketed in the United Kingdom as essential security wear for the 2010 World Cup and cost up to $70.<br /><br />However, this morning the South African government condemned the armoured items, describing them as alarmist, reactionary and discriminatory against people who earn a living through knife crime.<br /><br />But, said spokesman Whiplash Mahlangu, the real outrage was how ineffective the vests would be in keeping tourists alive.<br /><br />"We urge our visitors to remember that of the 1,500 South Africans who are murdered and the 1,100 who are killed on our roads every month, only a tiny minority succumb to knife wounds," said Mahlangu.<br /><br />He added that while the usual 2,600 locals would be killed during the World Cup, South Africa was committed to killing as few international visitors as possible.<br /><br />"If we can keep it down to around one percent of the South African average, that is 26 tourists, we'll consider that a job well done," said Mahlangu.<br /><br />But, he said, visitors would have to accept that stab vests would "not be of optimum utility in an average hail of gunfire from an average assault rifle, or against the earnest advances of a Toyota Hilux's front fender".<br /><br />He asked both South Africans and foreign tourists to remain positive about the World Cup.<br /><br />"The world is coming," he said. "The important thing to remember is that of the 500,000 guests coming to our shores, 499,974 will be going home alive.<br /><br />"Ultimately football will be the winner." </span><p><span style="font-family:arial;"><em>hayibo.com</em></span></p>

Government warns World Cup stab vests useless against taxi fenders

A knife-proof vest being marketed to British tourists as a must-have item at the 2010 World Cup has been slammed by the South African govern...

Read more »

ZA NEWS - Weekend Edition

<p><span style="font-family:arial;font-size:130%;">For those of you whose bosses wouldn’t let them watch ZA NEWS at work, here is the latest ZA NEWS weekend edition, featuring the best (and worst) of the week.</span> <p><br /><script language="javascript" src="http://www.mg.co.za/zanews/embed_js/2009-11-07-zanews/500/281"></script><br /><p><br /><br /><br /><a href="http://www.mg.co.za/zanews"><span style="font-family:arial;font-size:85%;"><em>Visit M&G's ZA News page</em></span></a></p>

ZA NEWS - Weekend Edition

For those of you whose bosses wouldn’t let them watch ZA NEWS at work, here is the latest ZA NEWS weekend edition, featuring the best (and w...

Read more »

ZA NEWS on the web...because here we can!

<p align="left"><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><strong>ZA NEWS</strong> is South Africa's first political satire web-tv show and </span></span><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">this is the inaugural episode. See </span><a href="http://www.zanews.co.za/"><span style="font-size:130%;">here</span></a><span style="font-size:130%;"> at ZANEWS online.<br /><br />Why is it on the web and not on TV? </span></span><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">Because here we can!<br /><br /><center><script language="javascript" src="http://www.mg.co.za/zanews/embed_js/2009-10-10-zanews-weekend/500/281"></script><br /><div align="left"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-family:arial;font-size:130%;">Former South African President Thabo Mbeki sits alone in a dark bar. Pipe in one hand, empty glass in the other he agonises over what to order.<br /><br />"Bartender give me a Quiet Diplomacy... No, that doesn't do anything," he says.<br /><br />"Give me an African Renaissance... No, that never arrives.<br /><br />"Wait, I've got it - can you get me a Polokwane Surprise? It's vodka, sour grapes crushed ice and then you stab it in the back when it's not looking."<br /><br />It is a short but devastating summary of Mr Mbeki's delusions, failings and demise.<br /><br />Ten tortured years in the making, Za News, South Africa's first real attempt at televised political satire, has finally begun full production.<br /><br />But it will not be seen on South African TV.<br /><br />Originally commissioned by public broadcaster the SABC, a pilot episode was made but they refused to put it on air.<br /><br />Nic Dawes, editor of the Mail & Guardian newspaper, says the SABC "backed off in terror when they saw the content" and that commercial broadcasters were "lily livered" when they refused to pick it up.<br /><br />"It's part of our place in this country to not sit around relaxed and pleased about the degree of freedom that we have in the media here but also to hold the space open," Mr Dawes says.<br /><br /><center><script language="javascript" src="http://www.mg.co.za/zanews/embed_js/2009-10-17-zanews-weekend/500/281"></script><centre><br /><br /></div><em><span style="font-size:85%;color:#000099;"></span></em></span></span><center></center><center><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-family:arial;font-size:130%;"><em><span style="font-size:85%;color:#000099;">Weekend Edition 17 October 2009</span></em><br /><br /><strong><span style="color:#999999;">Presidential pain</span></strong> </span></span></center><p align="left"><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-family:arial;font-size:130%;">The Mail & Guardian, along with Kulula airlines, are now funding Za News to produce three-minute shows four times each week and publish them online.<br /><br />"I do feel that we've been censored," says Jonathan Shapiro - the cartoonist and creative driving force behind Za News.<br /><br />"It is a kind of censorship that has very little to do with government.<br /><br />"It's a censorship that is based on the fears of people in corporations who are beholden to government."<br /><br />Mr Shapiro, or Zapiro as he is most widely known, says the troubled experience with Za News is in stark contrast to the huge freedom of expression he enjoys as a cartoonist appearing regularly in the Mail & Guardian.<br /><br />In fact his freedom as a cartoonist has lead to President Jacob Zuma beginning legal proceedings against him, demanding millions of rands for injuring his "dignity and reputation".<br /><br />The cartoons refer to Mr Zuma's acquittal on rape charges and his struggle to have corruption charges against him dropped.<br /><br />But Mr Shapiro believes the charges will be dropped, or at least forgotten, as Mr Zuma is unlikely to want to testify in court.<br /><br /><center><script language="javascript" src="http://www.mg.co.za/zanews/embed_js/2009-10-24-zanews-weekend/500/281"></script><br /><center><br /><br /><em><span style="font-size:85%;color:#000099;"></span></em></span></span><p></p><center><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-family:arial;font-size:130%;"><em><span style="font-size:85%;color:#000099;">Weekend Edition 24 October 2009</span></em><br /><br /><strong><span style="color:#999999;">Politicians divided</span></strong> </span></span></center><p align="left"><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-family:arial;font-size:130%;">Among the statesmen caricatured in latex perhaps the most eagerly anticipated was Julius Malema, the outspoken president of the ANC Youth League.<br /><br />To many South Africans, he is already something of a caricature in the flesh.<br /><br />Infamously he threatened to "kill for Zuma" and in Za News he is portrayed as an idiotic young sidekick of the president, sucking a lollipop or listening to an iPod.<br /><br />During TV interviews the puppet Julius Malema brandishes the dictionary of his Pedi language to back up his often ridiculous arguments.<br /><br />The real Julius Malema claimed that Caster Semenya, the champion sprinter whose gender has been queried by officials, could not be a hermaphrodite because "there is no such word in the Pedi dictionary".<br /><br />Though some within the ANC are thought to be chuckling, it does not seem that Mr Malema gets the joke.<br /><br />When asked for a comment on the programme's portrayal of him, Mr Malema's spokesperson hung up the phone.<br /><br />The only white puppet in Za News is Helen Zille, the Western Cape premier and leader of the opposition.<br /><br />She is relentlessly mocked on the show for her apparent addiction to botox.<br /><br />"With a face like that you need botox, eh?" she says while watching her puppet face stretched close to breaking point.<br /><br />Ms Zille says she is willing to accept the jokes as part of the territory.<br /><br />But she says SABC's rejection of the programme shows how it acts as a mouthpiece for the ANC rather than a public broadcaster.<br /><br /><center><script language="javascript" src="http://www.mg.co.za/zanews/embed_js/2009-10-31-zanews/500/281"></script><br /><center><br /><br /></span></span><p></p><center><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-family:arial;font-size:130%;"><em><span style="font-size:85%;color:#000099;">Weekend Edition 31 October 2009</span></em><br /><br /><strong><span style="color:#999999;">Scrutinising politicians</span></strong> </span></span></center><p align="left"><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-family:arial;font-size:130%;">At 91 years old, Nelson Mandela is probably not catching the four weekly shows online - but according to Jonathan Shapiro he is a fan of his puppet.<br /><br />At a function to mark this departure from office in 1999 Mr Shapiro managed to bring together the real and rubber Mandelas.<br /><br />"I approached him [Mandela] through this field of bodyguards - stuck the puppet's hand out and he said: 'Oh I believe I have met this gentleman before'.<br /><br />"Which was fantastic, he really responds to humour and to satire and I wish more politicians would be like that."<br /><br />Though denied the broad reach that television would have brought, its backers believe Za News is making a real impact.<br /><br />"Politicians are never really under scrutiny and are never really asked hard questions. With our show we are creating a mini stage where we are asking those questions." says executive producer of Za News, Thierry Cassuto.<br /><br />The biggest relief for South African politicians may be that just 10% of the population have access to the internet.<br /><br />Or, as the puppet Julius Malema says in the show: "The internet? What is that? I have checked and there is no such word in the Pedi dictionary." </span></p><center><span style="font-size:130%;"></span></center><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><div align="left"><a href="http://www.mg.co.za/"><em>http://www.mg.co.za/</em></a><em> - </em><a href="http://www.mg.co.za/zanews"><em>Visit M&G's ZA News page</em></a><em> </em><a href="http://www.mg.co.za/zanews/multimedia/2009-11-05-zanews"><em>ZA NEWS November 5 2009</em></a> </div><div align="left"><br /> </div></span><center></center></center></center></center></center></center></center>

ZA NEWS on the web...because here we can!

ZA NEWS is South Africa's first political satire web-tv show and this is the inaugural episode. See here at ZANEWS online. Why is it o...

Read more »

SA satirists pulling the strings

<p><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSIsyFKVzsMuCzBGfH6dQprbAnk3mC5RM4yf957Jh_FVGrdk2qHVUNlOSJWUUjkJVDrYzSpd_Aw3INr2ijJhHdd-4c5wsuA71m2tj4TdcTzW2SyJkfVfE2h84AGEjS6Wn7F1wJq__y-KM/s1600-h/ZUMA-strings.jpg"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5400720191056711266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSIsyFKVzsMuCzBGfH6dQprbAnk3mC5RM4yf957Jh_FVGrdk2qHVUNlOSJWUUjkJVDrYzSpd_Aw3INr2ijJhHdd-4c5wsuA71m2tj4TdcTzW2SyJkfVfE2h84AGEjS6Wn7F1wJq__y-KM/s400/ZUMA-strings.jpg" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 267px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 400px" /></a><span style="font-family:arial;font-size:130%;">CAPE TOWN. Just a week after cartoonist Zapiro launched his online news satire, ZA News, the state has accused his puppets of being "puppets". In a stinging attack this morning, the government warned that Zapiro was "pulling all kinds of strings" and accused him of being a "puppet-master" hell-bent on broadcasting a subversive doctrine called "comedy".<br /><br />Zapiro, currently ranked by the state as the third most dangerous person in the country after national football coach Joel Santana and anyone driving a car after dark near heavily armed police, launched ZA News online after failing to secure a deal with the SABC.<br /><br />The SABC already has a dedicated news satire show, in which parodies of government ministers behave outrageously without consequences. It is broadcast nightly at 7pm and is called The News.<br /><br />The new puppet show has been well received by the public, but this morning the government launched a broadside against what it called "a complete puppet show".<br /><br />According to spokesman Spokes Mashabane, government investigators had discovered that ZA News was not real news and that its presenters were puppets.<br /><br />"At first we looked at this news report on the television and we said, 'Goodness gracious! We know Comrade Julius's eyes are quite close together but this is very disturbing! What has happened to Comrade Julius? Has he maybe got his head caught in a woodworking vice? Has someone slammed his head in the door of his official BMW? Is one side of his face particularly heavy, so that when he sleeps on his side it slowly compresses?'<br /><br />"These are the kinds of questions we ask as government."<br /><br />But, he said, closer investigation had revealed that it was in fact a puppet and not Malema on television.<br /><br />"We know Zapiro is one of the puppet-masters," said Mashabane. "But who are the others?"<br /><br />According Zapiro there are two other puppet-masters. However they wished to remain anonymous as they had both promised their wives that they would "stop playing with dolls" and did not want them to know they were involved with the show. </span><p><span style="font-family:arial;font-size:85%;"><em>hayibo.com</em></span><br /></p>

SA satirists pulling the strings

CAPE TOWN. Just a week after cartoonist Zapiro launched his online news satire, ZA News, the state has accused his puppets of being "pu...

Read more »

White South Africans offer blanket confession for all future evils

<p><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyLkCXNND9rtRDWDY8fucAJWzuqKthpcw4cxmPWb3pQcaZE7Ze4R2ZLH5UtU17KQCIY2GzfELgl8rpuJ2xCrwWGYrieduOe3E4RtdSgiJ1okJpGVjl9szKLBMkKv6O_qNOfgJs6vXH2O0/s1600-h/nerds-need-manuels-love-too.jpg"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5374435965565283874" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyLkCXNND9rtRDWDY8fucAJWzuqKthpcw4cxmPWb3pQcaZE7Ze4R2ZLH5UtU17KQCIY2GzfELgl8rpuJ2xCrwWGYrieduOe3E4RtdSgiJ1okJpGVjl9szKLBMkKv6O_qNOfgJs6vXH2O0/s320/nerds-need-manuels-love-too.jpg" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 227px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 320px" /></a><span style="font-family:arial;font-size:130%;">Talk about quick out of the blocks! No sooner had our conquering heroes set foot in the arrivals hall at O.R. Tambo than Julius and Winnie were sprinting for the microphones to make speeches about racism.<br /><br />Way to build the self-esteem of our Caster and raise the national tone, comrades. But Julius's question deserves answering. Where were the whites? Well, Julius, they were at something called "work", which is what non-politicians of all races do, in order to pay the taxes that pay your salary.<br /><br />However, before this degenerates any further, let's get one thing out of the way: a blanket apology by whites for everything, ever.<br /><br /><em><span style="font-size:78%;color:#666666;">HAYIBO.COM</span></em><br /><br /><span style="font-size:85%;">PRETORIA -</span> White South Africans have offered to sign a blanket confession, accepting blame for all current and future setbacks in the country, from non-delivery by the ANC to European athletics officials doing gender tests, in the interests of more efficient government and to save precious time and tax money being wasted on paranoid racist witch-hunts.<br /><br />The decision follows the latest statements by government, implying that white South Africans were racist for not going to O.R. Tambo International Airport to cheer returning athletes.<br /><br />According to a spokesman for white South Africans, it was time for whites to "cut to the chase" and to accept blame for everything, ever, from now until the end of time, in the interests of efficient government.<br /><br />"Service delivery is being derailed because senior ministers are being forced to spend so much time trying to find new ways of pinning their failures on whites," explained spokesman Whitey Cracker-Blanco. "Which is the fault of the whites, if you think about it."<br /><br />He said that a recent study had revealed that blaming whites was the second largest consumer of ministers' time, after rolling around in the Treasury vault and giving each other high fives. Service delivery was 14th on the list, just behind hot rock treatments and being measured for ill-fitting suits.<br /><br />"Whites are desperate to contribute to this society," explained Cracker-Blanco, "but they find themselves demonized by their government at almost every turn.<br /><br />"Which is why accepting all blame for everything ever is a really great compromise: we speed up service delivery by minimizing finger-pointing, and we don't confuse or upset the government because God forbid anyone in government should ever have to think."<br /><br />Cracker-Blanco said that South African whites were still working out which crimes they were currently guilty of, and which they were likely to commit in the future, but he said it was likely that whites would "cop to pretty much everything".<br /><br />"It's a historical fact that we started World War 1 and World War 2," he said. "Okay, not us personally, but that's a distinction this government can't seem to make."<br /><br />He said that local whites "deeply regretted" their current activities in Darfur, Iraq and the West Bank, but added that they might have stayed at home and not gone on genocidal rampages if the SABC starting making watchable television.<br /><br />"We'd obviously also like to accept full responsibility for the break-up of the ANC in the next ten years," he said. "When they finally disintegrate amid turf wars and clique squabbles, and the whole thing bogs down in a swamp of graft, sleaze and the odd political assassination, we just want to say: mea culpa. We should have done more."<br /><br />He also apologized for global warming – "If only we hadn't had so many braais" – and said that whites "truly regretted" causing the inevitable cooling of our sun, the collapse of our solar system, and the ultimate disintegration of the Universe.</span> <p><br /></p>

White South Africans offer blanket confession for all future evils

Talk about quick out of the blocks! No sooner had our conquering heroes set foot in the arrivals hall at O.R. Tambo than Julius and Winnie w...

Read more »

Gender tests triggers terror of brain tests for professional athletes

<p><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5372504832905001746" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAH8hk_vg8YhEYNdPjm6G-1JTSfeROILR-4E1EMTFaD8wYczmbqdmAMo8OlSzghNlon0UMvqJGMBtOSFG_sR4V5gqAooGaiSdq91lkURUolypDMYFwr-9kd8JYunougCmdkA5Evt22Yyo/s400/APE01-full;init_.jpg" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 182px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" /> <span style="font-family:arial;font-size:130%;">BERLIN. South African sports administrators have congratulated 800-meter star Caster Semenya on her gold medal in Berlin, saying that "she's the man". Meanwhile professional athletes have reacted with terror at a suggestion that they undergo brain tests to establish whether or not they are Homo Sapiens or more primitive hominids.<br /><br />Semenya, who claimed gold in the 800-meters in the IAAF Championships in Berlin, triggered a gender controversy after sports administrators began to feel threatened by her abdominal muscles, which are reportedly capable of independent thought and movement.<br /><br />However, this morning the controversy was forgotten as South African officials lined up to congratulate her.<br /><br />"She's the man," said SASCOC spokesman Hotfoot Gwede.<br /><br />He also asked the media to refer to the local Olympic body as SAS out of respect for the country's star athlete.<br /><br />"Please, just leave the COC off for now, okay? It's a touchy subject just at the moment, and we want her to enjoy her win."<br /><br />Meanwhile the issue of gender testing has sent shockwaves through the sports world, as officials have suggested expanding it to tests for whether or not professional sportspeople have brains, or at least brain stems.<br /><br />"If we're going to test to see whether people are male or female it's only fair that we test to see whether they're people or idiots," explained Dr Fritz Neanderthal of the Berlin Institute for Anal Retentiveness .<br /><br />"For many years we have suspected that some athletes competing as Homo Sapiens are in fact earlier species of human, notably Homo Erectus."<br /><br />He said they had first become suspicious after watching English Premier League footballers and some Springbok forwards.<br /><br />"They have incredible difficultly staying on their feet," said Dr Neanderthal. "It's almost as if they have not yet completely mastered bipedal movement."<br /><br />But professional sportspeople have slammed the suggestion, with one senior Australian cricketer saying that the tests are "bad".<br /><br />"We people," said the player, who has been dated by models and dated to the early Pleistocene era.<br /><br />"Not stupid. Clever, we. Throw ball. Hit ball. Run fast. Sports car buy. Lie with blonde women. Is good. Why we deserve not human status?"<br /><br />Football has yet to comment as most Premier League players are currently fighting over a dead wildebeest in a marsh in Tanzania.<br /><br /><em><span style="font-size:85%;color:#000099;">hayibo.com</span></em></span><br /></p>

Gender tests triggers terror of brain tests for professional athletes

BERLIN. South African sports administrators have congratulated 800-meter star Caster Semenya on her gold medal in Berlin, saying that ...

Read more »

Malema, Young Communists, neck and neck in racist rhetoric race

<p><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgEkeKE4TJAjW0ssP7V2mG8x97yfS4d-mrMoRkRg0wI3rtyRLTVBBtsMLz4Grrkjt9SCT93lWBvUWGpUC7aOzqMVkFBL_sh6YL23l-RvKCymUfs2-aOMk820TZhJNGVYy_Kxjw9zoZglsg/s1600-h/c-semenya.jpg"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5372510895759785938" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgEkeKE4TJAjW0ssP7V2mG8x97yfS4d-mrMoRkRg0wI3rtyRLTVBBtsMLz4Grrkjt9SCT93lWBvUWGpUC7aOzqMVkFBL_sh6YL23l-RvKCymUfs2-aOMk820TZhJNGVYy_Kxjw9zoZglsg/s400/c-semenya.jpg" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 289px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" /></a><span style="font-family:arial;font-size:130%;">JOHANNESBURG. Julius Malema has staged a stunning comeback after being initially outpaced by the Young Communists League in the ongoing rhetoric around South African athlete Caster Semenya. The YCL had made the early running by blaming a racist conspiracy by "the white race", but Malema has made up good ground with his own racist statement.<br /><br />On Thursday the YCL set the early pace with a blistering attack on "the white race", saying that a decision to test Semenya's gender "smacks of racism of the highest order".<br /><br />The YCL was widely quoted in national media as saying that the test "represents a mentality of conforming feminine outlook within the white race".<br /><br />Nobody in South Africa is entirely sure what this statement means, least of all the YCL policy director who wrote it by throwing darts at a thesaurus.<br /><br />The ANC Youth League's Julius Malema acknowledged that it had been an impressive start by the YCL, but vowed to catch up. Last night he officially entered the race with his own racist conspiracy theory, which was exactly the same as the YCL's except slightly less coherent.<br /><br />According to Malema, international athletics officials did not value the contributions made by Africans to the Olympics and other global events which was "why they start [sic] this racist attack on this beautiful woman, well built, well-relaxed [sic]".<br /><br />Asked if he had ever noticed that every track medal at every Olympics since the 1980s had been won either by an African or someone of African origin, Malema asked journalists not to confuse him with the facts.<br /><br />He also declined to explain what a "well-relaxed" woman was.<br /><br />Neither Malema nor the YCL were able to explain how the racist white race had allowed Kenyans, Ethiopians, and Eritreans to win a total of 12 medals in Berlin, while also permitting black stars from Jamaica, the United States and the Caribbean to claim dozens of medal. However they both said that they were figuring it out.<br /><br />Meanwhile both parties have conceded that they will probably keep driving the luxury sedans manufactured by the white race in Germany, but said they do so with a heavy heart at the injustice of it all.<br /><br />Asked if either the ANCYL or the YCL were going to be censured for their racist smears, government spokesman Sideshow Khumalo laughed and said, "Oh dear, oh my goodness no, how quaint!"<br /><br />"How many times do we have to tell you?" he said.<br /><br />"If a white person criticizes Africa, it is racism. If an African criticizes a white person, it is democracy. Okay? Got it?"<br /><br /><em><span style="font-size:85%;color:#000099;">hayibo.com</span></em></span> <p></p>

Malema, Young Communists, neck and neck in racist rhetoric race

JOHANNESBURG. Julius Malema has staged a stunning comeback after being initially outpaced by the Young Communists League in the ongoing rhet...

Read more »

After 100 days in office Zuma finally comes out of office

<p><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuCk7xqUvo8tlREoiuJkxMSrSB40N2GSdk6zV29chxl-u5cIrnSzzONHaYjHCwL4FOhMYTzeWOAUhMuMN8UhIE3TOs1T1-lU3IwTXBNa9lrjvDNAHjehh4vZc6WVIWkOPwFAYd-RaG8R4/s1600-h/zuma-mms.jpg"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5371715038150550514" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuCk7xqUvo8tlREoiuJkxMSrSB40N2GSdk6zV29chxl-u5cIrnSzzONHaYjHCwL4FOhMYTzeWOAUhMuMN8UhIE3TOs1T1-lU3IwTXBNa9lrjvDNAHjehh4vZc6WVIWkOPwFAYd-RaG8R4/s400/zuma-mms.jpg" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 279px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 400px" /></a><span style="font-family:arial;font-size:130%;">President Zuma said he spent his first 100 days in office pondering, practicing his signature and going to the bathroom, but added that he is relieved that he has finally been freed from his office and plans to start "rocking this party". The Presidency has blamed the crisis on a bank vault time-lock installed on the office door by Thabo Mebki.<br /><br />Zuma entered office just over 100 days ago, but a mishap with the office's lock meant that he has only just emerged.<br /><br />"During the last hours of Thabo Mbeki's administration Comrade Thabo became somewhat apprehensive about a popular uprising he had read about on the Internet," explained Presidency spokesman Whitehouse Nzimande.<br /><br />"He installed a Swiss bank time-lock on the door. We thought he knew the combination. It turns out we didn't."<br /><br />He said Zuma had first noticed the problem about 99 days ago when he wanted to go home.<br /><br />"We became aware of a dull metallic thudding," said Nzimande. "Msholozi was hammering on the inside of the door with a bronze sculpture of an elephant. It was very upsetting."<br /><br />He said initial efforts to open the door had proved fruitless after Mbeki refused to divulge the access code on the grounds that the ANC had been "mean to him at Polokwane".<br /><br />According to Nzimande, Zuma had spent his first ten days in office playing Freecell and talking to heads of state on the telephone, but that he had become bored and had resorted to "pondering, practicing his signature, and going to the bathroom".<br /><br />Asked how Mr Zuma had gone to the bathroom, Nzimande said that it was a state secret but added that Mr Zuma was "highly resourceful and surprisingly flexible".<br /><br />He said that food and water had been supplied to the President by hoisting a bucket up to his window.<br /><br />Nzimande said that the Presidency had finally managed to disable the lock on the door earlier this week after employing a professional safe-breaker who moonlighted as a Member of Parliament.<br /><br />He said that Mr Zuma was looking fit and well and was eager to govern now that his first 100 days in office were behind him.<br /><br />The office will be steam-cleaned tomorrow.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;font-size:85%;color:#000099;"><em>hayibo.com</em></span> </p>

After 100 days in office Zuma finally comes out of office

President Zuma said he spent his first 100 days in office pondering, practicing his signature and going to the bathroom, but added that he i...

Read more »

Minister of Ekstreemly Basik Edukashin delays school results

<p><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4cpW-wAPKb7SrUFUa49HJ5306wUgFx12jjty6XRTdy8eaCu9txHbW1V7SSNfRJXIlC_1p-CG-Ru3sbzYSN_oOR4o8qTprDuvulT5gGI1tXilclVpH7RAEJYUyNPuM6E7VXlOBd0CduNM/s1600-h/a-motshekga7.jpg"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5371707441421157714" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4cpW-wAPKb7SrUFUa49HJ5306wUgFx12jjty6XRTdy8eaCu9txHbW1V7SSNfRJXIlC_1p-CG-Ru3sbzYSN_oOR4o8qTprDuvulT5gGI1tXilclVpH7RAEJYUyNPuM6E7VXlOBd0CduNM/s400/a-motshekga7.jpg" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 298px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 234px" /></a><span style="font-family:arial;font-size:130%;">The Minister of Ekstreemly Basik Edukashin, Angie Motshekga has defended her decision to delay the issuing of Matric certificates while she redesigns them with a more prominent national crest, saying that South African education is "all about badges and shiny things you can stick on your report card to compensate for stuff you don't know".<br /><br />The Minister, whose department has vowed to stamp out child literacy by 2010, said that her widely publicized redesign of the Matric certificate was at the forefront of South African education policy.<br /><br />"Each ANC administration since 1994 has developed its own unique approach to the scourge of child literacy," explained Basik Edukashin spokesman Mr Chips Direko.<br /><br />"Madiba started this wonderful journey with the mass retrenchment of veteran teachers and the introduction of Outcomes Based Education, which is a system where drunk sexual offenders called "educators" try to beat answers out of 14-year-olds who have never been taught how to read.<br /><br />"Under Comrade Mbeki we continued to enjoy the fruits of OBE and the mass purge of qualified teaching staff, while we focused more intently on teaching our children the three R's: rights, racism and revisionism."<br /><br />But, he said, Jacob Zuma's administration was breaking from the past and focusing more on stationery that actual teaching.<br /><br />"Minister Motshekga has realised that education starts and ends in the embossed bits of certificates," said Direko.<br /><br />"So what if Matrics have had to wait over 9 months for their certificates? Don't they understand that with a greatly enlarged crest on their documents they'll automatically be more educated?"<br /><br />He said that in light of her recent breakthrough into the correlation between stationery embossing and academic achievement, Motshekga had just ordered 50 billion Noddy Badges which would dramatically raise the value of a South African education.<br /><br />"Let's say for example that you're a factory owner with a government contract to turn Arms Deal documents into popped rice breakfast cereals that is distributed to school feeding schemes," said Direko.<br /><br />"Who are you going to hire? The 18-year-old who can't read, write or count? Or the 18-year-old who can't read, write or count but who has a giant crest on a piece of paper and a lapel jangling with Noddy Badges?<br /><br />"Exactly." </span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:78%;color:#000099;"><em>hayibo.com</em></span><br /><em><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:78%;color:#000099;"></span></em><br /><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:130%;"></span><p>

Minister of Ekstreemly Basik Edukashin delays school results

The Minister of Ekstreemly Basik Edukashin, Angie Motshekga has defended her decision to delay the issuing of Matric certificates while she ...

Read more »

SA taxpayers to get 9% tax hike, 0% service hike

<p><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkICeKWBdW0RKgaDDt-Dzlnmrt3FBQPGh1jQH11Z_4thSLQURN3px8OFWr4_MsZo0LUocS26Nh7-bAbjOFVYQRrHaLjv84Pg3rKjUYVAazViNuG6I2j_hftl2-O0yB3LglcvD5ITX_jGo/s1600-h/zuma-kfc.jpg"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5370992079061942242" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkICeKWBdW0RKgaDDt-Dzlnmrt3FBQPGh1jQH11Z_4thSLQURN3px8OFWr4_MsZo0LUocS26Nh7-bAbjOFVYQRrHaLjv84Pg3rKjUYVAazViNuG6I2j_hftl2-O0yB3LglcvD5ITX_jGo/s320/zuma-kfc.jpg" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 284px" /></a><span style="font-family:arial;font-size:130%;">The South African government has confirmed that the country's tiny pool of taxpayers can expect a 9 percent increase in income tax and yet another 0 percent increase in the services they receive for their money. According to a spokesman, the extra revenue would be spent on ministerial safety, ministerial legal aid, and ministerial take-out.<br /><br />According to the South African Revenue Service there are 5.3 million taxpayers in the country, however, just 1.2 million of these pay 75 percent of all tax collected.<br /><br />According to government tax advisor Caesar Augustus Dipoko, the situation was unsustainable.<br /><br />"The ANC government is all about delivery," he explained. "Delivery of pizzas and KFC buckets to ministerial residences; delivery of customized BMWs to ministerial garages; delivery of airline tickets to MPs; delivery of brown paper bags full of non-sequential unmarked US dollars to arms dealers.<br /><br />"If only 1 million people are footing the bill for these nation-building investments, we might soon have to start thinking the unthinkable."<br /><br />Asked if was referring to mass emigration by middle-class taxpayers, economic collapse and civil war, Dipoko said he was in fact referring to ministers having to drive Japanese cars and shopping at Checkers.<br /><br />"Next thing you'll be expecting them to send their kids to state schools!" he laughed.<br /><br />He explained that the ANC could not tolerate a "cynical and racist onslaught on our hard-won freedom to spend other people's money", and would therefore be raising income tax by 9 percent.<br /><br />He said that the 9 percent hike would come with the customary zero percent hike in services, which currently number zero.<br /><br />However, he had words of encouragement for the 5 million South Africans who subsidize the other 45 million.<br /><br />"If you feel resentful at having to pay income tax and get nothing in return for it except veiled racial threats of class wars from our Education Minister, then perhaps consider that you're not actually paying income tax," he said.<br /><br />"Income tax is a tax you pay in return for certain services. So by definition you're not paying income tax.<br /><br />"Perhaps just consider it a compulsory contribution to nation building."</span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:130%;"><em><span style="font-size:85%;color:#000099;">hayibo.com</span></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:130%;"></span><p></p>

SA taxpayers to get 9% tax hike, 0% service hike

The South African government has confirmed that the country's tiny pool of taxpayers can expect a 9 percent increase in income tax and y...

Read more »