After 100 days in office Zuma finally comes out of office

President Zuma said he spent his first 100 days in office pondering, practicing his signature and going to the bathroom, but added that he is relieved that he has finally been freed from his office and plans to start "rocking this party". The Presidency has blamed the crisis on a bank vault time-lock installed on the office door by Thabo Mebki.

Zuma entered office just over 100 days ago, but a mishap with the office's lock meant that he has only just emerged.

"During the last hours of Thabo Mbeki's administration Comrade Thabo became somewhat apprehensive about a popular uprising he had read about on the Internet," explained Presidency spokesman Whitehouse Nzimande.

"He installed a Swiss bank time-lock on the door. We thought he knew the combination. It turns out we didn't."

He said Zuma had first noticed the problem about 99 days ago when he wanted to go home.

"We became aware of a dull metallic thudding," said Nzimande. "Msholozi was hammering on the inside of the door with a bronze sculpture of an elephant. It was very upsetting."

He said initial efforts to open the door had proved fruitless after Mbeki refused to divulge the access code on the grounds that the ANC had been "mean to him at Polokwane".

According to Nzimande, Zuma had spent his first ten days in office playing Freecell and talking to heads of state on the telephone, but that he had become bored and had resorted to "pondering, practicing his signature, and going to the bathroom".

Asked how Mr Zuma had gone to the bathroom, Nzimande said that it was a state secret but added that Mr Zuma was "highly resourceful and surprisingly flexible".

He said that food and water had been supplied to the President by hoisting a bucket up to his window.

Nzimande said that the Presidency had finally managed to disable the lock on the door earlier this week after employing a professional safe-breaker who moonlighted as a Member of Parliament.

He said that Mr Zuma was looking fit and well and was eager to govern now that his first 100 days in office were behind him.

The office will be steam-cleaned tomorrow.

hayibo.com