BERLIN. South African sports administrators have congratulated 800-meter star Caster Semenya on her gold medal in Berlin, saying that "she's the man". Meanwhile professional athletes have reacted with terror at a suggestion that they undergo brain tests to establish whether or not they are Homo Sapiens or more primitive hominids.
Semenya, who claimed gold in the 800-meters in the IAAF Championships in Berlin, triggered a gender controversy after sports administrators began to feel threatened by her abdominal muscles, which are reportedly capable of independent thought and movement.
However, this morning the controversy was forgotten as South African officials lined up to congratulate her.
"She's the man," said SASCOC spokesman Hotfoot Gwede.
He also asked the media to refer to the local Olympic body as SAS out of respect for the country's star athlete.
"Please, just leave the COC off for now, okay? It's a touchy subject just at the moment, and we want her to enjoy her win."
Meanwhile the issue of gender testing has sent shockwaves through the sports world, as officials have suggested expanding it to tests for whether or not professional sportspeople have brains, or at least brain stems.
"If we're going to test to see whether people are male or female it's only fair that we test to see whether they're people or idiots," explained Dr Fritz Neanderthal of the Berlin Institute for Anal Retentiveness .
"For many years we have suspected that some athletes competing as Homo Sapiens are in fact earlier species of human, notably Homo Erectus."
He said they had first become suspicious after watching English Premier League footballers and some Springbok forwards.
"They have incredible difficultly staying on their feet," said Dr Neanderthal. "It's almost as if they have not yet completely mastered bipedal movement."
But professional sportspeople have slammed the suggestion, with one senior Australian cricketer saying that the tests are "bad".
"We people," said the player, who has been dated by models and dated to the early Pleistocene era.
"Not stupid. Clever, we. Throw ball. Hit ball. Run fast. Sports car buy. Lie with blonde women. Is good. Why we deserve not human status?"
Football has yet to comment as most Premier League players are currently fighting over a dead wildebeest in a marsh in Tanzania.
hayibo.com
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