A tired and emotional President Jacob Zuma has conceded that he has been copying the policies of US President Barack Obama since coming into power, saying that he has been through "hell" trying to match US programmes with a South African budget. However he hoped to bring South African troops home from Iraq and Afghanistan by Christmas.
The admissions came this morning after Zuma was questioned by economists on how he planned to create 500,000 jobs in the worst recession since the 13th Century when Frederick the Fat spent the treasury of the Holy Roman Empire on prostitutes, wine and bankers' bonuses.
According to Zuma, his cabinet had urged him to copy Obama as closely as possible as they were struggling to concentrate on political strategy between visits to Mercedes showrooms.
Zuma said he had so far managed to emulate Obama "surprisingly well".
"He promised 750,000 jobs, and the US has since lost 3 million," he explained. "I promised 500,000 jobs, and we've only lost 250,000. That makes me awesome!"
Asked if South Africa was also planning to develop an arsenal of nuclear weapons, Zuma said that this was unlikely although he said the ANC was "more than capable of creating a nuclear explosion, probably at Koeberg, depending on which politically appointed cadre is deployed to oversee safety there".
Obama swept into on the strength of pithy campaign slogans and the ability to sound earnest and inspirational despite basing his policies on the writings of Paulo Coelho, Khalil Gibran, and Oprah.
"We also brought 'change you can believe in'," said Zuma.
"Well, okay, it was change you believed in because we told you to believe in it or we'd hint at taking away your RDP house, but still, it was change."
But, said Zuma, it had been difficult to emulate many of Obama's policies given the weakness of the Rand.
He said his planned space programme had been put on hold indefinitely after scientists told him that it would be difficult to get a manned BWM 7-series into orbit "just by ramping it off the top of a mine dump" as he had hoped.
Likewise, he said, bailouts to banks would probably take the form of subscriptions to the government's monthly magazine, as well as care packages comprising cans of sweet corn, corned beef, margarine and pilchards.
However, he said, his administration was also on track to "bring the boys back home from Iraq and Afghanistan".
When it was pointed out to him that South Africa has no troops in either country, Zuma explained that he did not like to let reality get in the way of his ideas, and that he would order ten soldiers to be sent to both countries so that they could be brought home in a stirring and crowd-pleasing ceremony.
"It's what the sheeple want to see," he said. "Shit. Did I say sheeple? I meant cadres."
hayibo.com
0 comments:
Post a Comment