Our Bafana boys are full of tricks

NOW that Bafana Bafana have enacted their usual pre-tournament blackmail ploy, the Confederations Cup can begin. Crikey, aren't you excited?

The SA team's plan to extricate untold millions in exchange for gracing the tournament with their presence was worked out weeks ago - but they waited until the coach had announced his final squad before making their move.

According to a source quoting impeccable sources, their ransom demand was somewhere in the region of R34-million. Unfortunately, it didn't work; their bosses have seen this ruse too many times before.

One of these high-ranking fellows, one Chief Nmwelo Nonkonyana, was amazed that the players waited so late in the day before declaring a pay dispute "which will put South Africa in the spotlight for all the wrong reasons" so close to the global tournament.

He obviously knows little of the tricks of trade unionism which I don't think is big in Iraq either. This is a country that has faced some worse threats in its time, but has it ever faced the VUVUZELA ?

This is our own WMD (Weapon of Mass Deafness) and its purpose is to drive opponents to mass distraction.

Iraq is known for two musical instruments, namely the oud, a kind of lute, and a rebab, a sort of fiddle. These, of course, are no match for the vuvuzela, which is not a musical instrument at all. It is simply a noisome thing designed to cause immense aggravation.

For the benefit of our guests, permit me to acquaint them further with the quaint device. Briefly described, the vuvuzela is a long plastic tube that people blow.

It makes the sound of a large animal in quite a bit of pain. That is an unnerving thing, which is what the vuvuzela is. It is not designed to produce any musical notes that are recognisable on any of the known scales.

When blown in unison, mass vuvuzelas make a sort of droning sound not dissimilar to a swarm of monster bumblebees that you may encounter in a horror movie.

Not everyone is qualified to blow the vuvuzela. To do so successfully, one must have large lungs and a deranged mind. Blown properly, it can cause the eyes to cross and sometimes remain that way. This is the distinguishing feature of the accomplished vuvuzelist.

The vuvuzela blower lives by one golden rule: never stop blowing. This is done with total disregard for what is actually happening on the football pitch. If your team is 3-0 up or 0-3 down, they blow the same note, of which we know there is only one at best.

For a nation whose ancestors apparently invented the wheel, the Iraqis may find this all a bit much. That, confidentially, is the whole idea.