It's JZ, leave a message...

Article By: Rebekah Kendal

Go on, admit it... you tried calling 17737. Nope? Not even to check if it was working? Erm... well... we may have. It was engaged. Yip, one day up and running and already JZ's hotline is inundated with calls.

Either that or (a) every other journalist in South Africa was doing the same thing (b) the JZ hotline team took a lunch-break and left the phone off the hook or (c) one of these guys was calling...

President Zuma's hotline, how can I help you?
Ah Jacob... it's Bob. I noticed that you've been having a spot of trouble with your military. Personally, I found that free farms and foreign conflicts do wonders in quelling discontent. The DR Congo worked well for me. And, before I forget, next time you pop over for a visit, you simply must try the new English Breakfast tea I had imported from Sri Lanka.

I'm sorry I can't take your call right now... I'm busy running the country. Please leave a message at the beep.
JZ, it's Schabir. I've made a booking at that restaurant you like on Florida Road for Wednesday night. I know we said 6.30pm, but something's come up. Do mind if I swing by and pick you up at 7pm instead?

Hello, this is your president speaking. How can I help you?
(Heavy breathing)
Hello? Terror… is that you again?
(Heavy breathing)
Hello? Hello? Really, Terror, I can see your caller ID...

Hi, this is Zuma. You know what to do. No, no... not the machine gun. Leave a message.
Msholozi, Floyd here. Can I ask you a personal question? What does 'sleeping around' mean to you? Okay, sure, we know all that stuff about kangas, but do you think 'sleeping around is sleeping around' is a solid argument? DJ Redi Direko didn't. She really needs to grow up. Anyway, I started this cool new group on Facebook, check it out...

President Zuma is here to serve the people. If you leave a message at the tone, you will be the 6759th person to do so today. Beep.
Um… President Zuma, this is Lee calling from the South African Table Tennis Board. Just a quick reminder about paying your annual subscriptions and your friendly against Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao on Thursday afternoon.

You've reached the home of Jacob, Sizakele, Nompumelo, and Thobeka. We can't take your call right now, but if you leave a message, we'll get back to you...
Jacob... it's Winnie... again. I think your wives may be deleting my messages. I can't stop thinking about that kiss... call me.

This is President Zuma's hotline. What would you like to complain about today?
With all due respect, Mr President, the country...
You can email my spokesperson; befriend me on Facebook; tweet me on Twitter; or read my weekly newsletter. No, really, do. It's a good read. In fact, if you read it regularly, you could probably just scrap this hotline altogether — we've pretty much got the complaints covered.

You have reached the JSC hotline... ah, wait, no. Er... call again. Hello, you have reached JZ's hotline.
Zuma... it's Hlophe. John Hlophe.

It's JZ, you know the drill.
Polka dot shirt or leather jacket? You know what it's like Msholozi — the ladies, the cameras, the jealous imperialists. Anyway, you've been to a few more of these shindigs than me, so thought I would seek your advice. In case you can make it: the Equality Court on Wednesday.