Obama snubs Zuma

I am still waiting for my invitation. Apparently thousands of South Africans have been invited to JZ's R75-million bash. Exclude his family, praise-singers, bodyguards, the Shaiks and that chap who most definitely isn't in the Nando's advert and you're left with… well… at least a couple hundred free spots.

You'll be pleased to know that our government didn't extend any invitations to leaders who came into power through a coup, or to leaders not recognised by the UN, AU or SADC. Leaders wanted by the International Criminal Court for crimes against humanity, however, are another matter entirely. Innocent until proven guilty and all that.

PRESIDENT IN WAITING - (JZ smells numbers)

As he prepares to settle down in Tuinhuis, Msholozi shares the secret of his party's success.

"Opposition parties campaigned by trying to belittle this organisation of the people, while we were busy campaigning our own way. We were innovative, fresh… different."

Well, I'll agree on that point about the opposition.

"For those who don't know the ANC… you touch the ANC, you touch a lion."

Yes… but who in their right mind goes around touching lions?

"The sangomas said the ANC will achieve a 50 percent victory in Limpopo. The ANC will never go below 60 percent… I smell 70 percent."

Olfactory dysfunction, perhaps? Because later…

"At that level of percentage you can smell it (two-thirds majority) just like something you smell in the kitchen. It's not a disappointment at all. Your colleagues are shifting the goalposts while they should be congratulating the ANC on its decisive victory."

Yip, you can smell it… but you're not allowed to eat it. Now, that's not disappointing. Not at all.

WAITING FOR A PRESIDENT - (Malema advises Motlanthe)

The current occupant of Tuinhuis, who has pretty much been waiting for the Zuma presidency ever since he was sworn into office, had some rather presidential words for the new parliamentarians.

"To the public representatives to be sworn in on May 6, I think this must be a lesson… if democracy is truly people centred… these public representatives must maintain the dynamic contact with the constituency and the community on an ongoing basis."

Unfortunately no one was listening. Some were even booing.

"It is completely unacceptable that a sitting president of the country was subjected to such undignified behaviour," said Cope's angry president Terror Lekota. "This proves that the separation of powers between state and party are blurred. Events of this nature are held to celebrate national unity and cohesion."

He was, of course, quickly set straight by the ANC's Senzo Mchunu.

"This is far from the truth. There was huge enthusiasm for the president. The crowd's displeasure was not a reflection of an attitude against the president. The crowds were merely expressing their dissatisfaction with the sound system which was of poor quality making them unable to hear the speeches of their leadership."

Ah yes, that makes perfect sense. If you are having trouble hearing, make some more noise. One member of the ANC leadership, who never seems to have any trouble getting himself heard, is Julius Malema.

"President Kgalema Motlanthe cannot choose where he wants to go. The ANC will decide. We are appealing to him that he shouldn't choose… a government protocol is not important to us. A former president who's now a deputy president, so what?"

We can only hope that the chubby-cheeked one never occupies either position. Hoping that he learns some manners seems a little… well… far-fetched.

A ZUMANATION - (Winnie tramples on Obama's hope parade...)

So, what does the Zuma presidency hold for South Africans?

"The Constitution of South Africa belongs to all South Africans. We have no intention of making it a political plaything." — Matthews Phosa

"I believe we should stop shooting down everything he says and rather say we support your intention to combat crime." — Pik Botha

"We will also work tirelessly to bring the DA to book over their selective service delivery and its treatment of poor people." — ANC spokesperson Chris Nissen.

"The age of hope and promises is over. We are going work (sic) so watch us; we are going to be in action." — Winnie Madikizela-Mandela

The age of hope is over? Damn!

And there I was hoping that Phosa's declaration about the Constitution had nothing whatsoever to do with the ANC's 65.9 percent; that (despite the fact that no one cares what he has to say) Pik Botha may be right; and that the ANC was going to work tirelessly for the poor.

No wonder Barack Obama's giving the big bash a skip…