ANC leader Jacob Zuma says that it is time for South Africans to get to work to build a new society, but only from Tuesday until Thursday. Addressing throngs of jubilant supporters, many of whom had been cured of leprosy by touching the hem of his trousers, Zuma explained that the economy was important but that public holidays were more important.
"Much work lies ahead," said Zuma. "And we will start it on Tuesday. And stop on Thursday afternoon. Or Wednesday, if we can get a doctor's note."
He explained that "the real work" would begin next week, unless he decided to declare May a public holiday too.
Zuma is almost guaranteed to become South Africa's fourth democratically elected President, and the first to own his own leopard-skin Alice band, after the ANC swept to a convincing victory in last week's general election.
However, party insiders are reportedly working constantly to ensure that Zuma survives until his inauguration, a task made "extremely difficult by Msholozi's penchant for waving around assault rifles while singing and dancing".
"So far we've managed to give him a toy AK whenever he gets in the mood to bust some moves," said one aide. "But we do worry that some fool is going to sell him a real one and he's going to pop a cap in himself."
He said they were also having to keep ANC Youth League President Julius Malema "at a safe distance".
"Nobody would ever doubt Comrade Julius's love for Msholozi," he said. "Julius adores Msholozi. He's written Msholozi's name all over his bag in Tip-Ex, and stuck pictures of him all over his homework diary.
"But when he gets excited he tends to want to kill things, and we're not 100 percent sure how clear Julius's thinking is when he's in one of his lust-fuelled killing moods."
Meanwhile Zuma has been widely quoted in local media comparing the victorious ANC to a lion.
"For those who do not know the ANC: you touch the ANC, you touch a lion!" said Zuma.
When asked by journalists whether the ANC was a like a lion because it made a huge amount of noise but spent all day sleeping and being fed by females, had mangy juvenile males tagging along trying to pick up scraps, and easily fell prey to inbreeding, Zuma said, "No, not really."
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