Second Johannesburg Airport just for burning stolen luggage

Hayibo.com

JOHANNESBURG. Gauteng officials have confirmed that the proposed second airport to be built in Johannesburg will be used exclusively for burning luggage looted by staff at O.R. Tambo International Airport. "People hate seeing that their bags have been forced open and their valuables stolen," said a spokesman. "This way they won't have to see that."

Speaking to the media at the launch of the design for the new airport, engineers and Gauteng legislators said that the country's morale was at an all-time low, and that the design had been a pro-active way of trying to address this.

"South Africans are sick and tired of the institutionalized theft that happens at all levels of society," said Transport MEC Hilux Lentswe.

"We don't want to see it any more. Which is why incinerators are the obvious solution."

He added that the incinerators would also be a highly effective cost-cutting strategy.

"If there's no evidence of a crime, you don't have to launch costly investigations and prosecutions.

"Plus, all gold, silver and platinum overlooked by airport baggage handlers will be automatically melted down into ingots and sold to bulk up executive bonuses, saving the taxpayer millions they would otherwise have had to cough up."

Engineer Baksteen Malan, whose Halala JayZee Viva Msholozi firm won the tender to build the new airport, said that the challenges of disposing of thousands of tons of slightly damaged suitcases every week had posed interesting problems for architects and engineers.

"In an operation like this time is crucial," he said. "You've got passengers over at O.R. Tambo who are the moer in, you've got people phoning police and threatening to sue airlines, and over here you've got 25,000 Samsonite suitcases with crowbar marks on them and a hell of a lot of lace panties that haven't been stolen because they were too small to fit the handler who nationalized the rest of the contents.

"In short, you've got to get those cases off the plane and into the incinerators in under five minutes, or you're going to have police and the Democratic Alliance all over you."

However, he added, it was "amazing what you can do with conveyor belts, jet-fuel and a Zippo nowadays".