PRETORIA. South Africa's new elite crime-fighting unit, to be known as the Stoolpigeons, says criminals will have nowhere to hide, unless they are politicians in which case they will be able to hide in their offices. "We are declaring war on crime, again," said a spokesman. "But this time we really mean it. Except if you're a Member of Parliament."
Little is known about the 40-year-old policeman appointed to head up the Stoolpigeons, but insiders believe Anwa Dramat was given the job mainly because his surname provides plenty of scope for up-beat puns on lamppost placards.
"Given the choice between a clean, low-profile arrest and a Sunday Times headline reading 'Dramat-ic Shootout But Perps Flee', we'd obviously prefer the latter," explained a highly placed official in the National Prosecuting Authority.
"That's publicity you can't buy."
Dramat has been widely quoted in local media saying that the unit will prosecute without fear or favour and will not be swayed by political affiliations.
This was confirmed this morning by Stoolpigeons spokesman Pinkerton Mbuli.
"Yes, we are completely blind to political affiliation," he said. "If you belong to a political party, you are totally invisible to us.
"And when I say 'a political party', I am of course referring to one particular political party, because let's face it, there's really only one game in town."
He added that the Stoolpigeons would also implement a "don't ask, don't tell" policy, whereby politicians would only be charged if they submitted confessions of crimes, signed by themselves and their victim and notarized by the Pope, between 7pm and 8pm on any February 29.
He also confirmed that politicians' offices were "out of bounds" and that the Stoolpigeons would have to call off any high-speed chase through Parliament as soon as a suspect reached his or her office.
"It's disappointing because obviously we rate ourselves in a footrace against a lot of those guys," said Mbuli. "Unless they get wedged in the doorframe, which is a real option with some of the more portly ones, we're talking about total immunity."
Asked whether the new policies were a tacit endorsement of endemic political corruption, Mbuli explained that while nobody in the Stoolpigeons was corrupt, and all were dedicated investigators, they still had to consider job security.
"We might be honest but we're not stupid," he said.
Source - www.hayibo.com
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