Zuma calls for return to Mandela values, will also fudge Aids and extend vote to kids

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Jacob Zuma has called for a return to the values of Nelson Mandela's administration, confirming that like Mandela he also plans to be vague and evasive about HIV-Aids, propose that the vote be extended to 14-year-olds, and address poverty by smiling and waving a lot. Meanwhile Thabo Mbeki has promised not to "try any funny business" at the inauguration.

Zuma told a special session of Parliament that he would break with Mandela's tradition only in terms of grooming a successor.

"Madiba groomed a robotic intellectual who was extremely intelligent but completely out of touch with the people," said Zuma.

"I promise to groom someone who is incredibly stupid but who is adored by the masses."

He would neither confirm nor deny that he was referring to Julius Malema, but did say that his successor would be a "chip off the old block", an apparent woodworking reference.

Meanwhile in other breaking inauguration news:

* As politicians and pundits continue to claim that the world is watching South Africa, the world insists it has no plans to watch South Africa and will instead be watching 30Rock.

"South Africa is way less interesting than it thinks," said the world this morning. "It really needs to come up with some new gags if it's going to beat out Tina Fey. The singing dancing guy with the leopard-tail skirt just doesn't work on any level."

* A spokesman for former President Thabo Mbeki has confirmed that Mbeki will be attending tomorrow's inauguration, strapped to a gurney and with most of his face covered with a leather ice-hockey mask.

She said that Mbeki had promised not to "try any funny business" like snorting derisively when Zuma took his oath of office or making a lunge for the One Ring of Power that will be handed to Zuma by either a Supreme Court Judge or a wise elf lord. She said Mbeki had also promised not to try to write any essays or quote any literary sources during the ceremony.

However, she said, Mbeki would be accompanied by guards who would be armed with Tazers, "just in case".

* Engineers constructing the stage for tomorrow's inauguration say they have reinforced most of the floor and support beams in case Zuma and his three wives attempt to sing Gimme Gimme Gimme with original Abba choreography.

"If it's just the four of them we'll be fine," said engineer Spyker van Tonder. "If Winnie tries to join in, maybe with The Winner Takes It All, there could be some vibration, but we've built in a tolerance of up to nine NEC members dancing to Waterloo, so yes, we're pretty confident."