Official: Mugabe and Mbeki are hottest new celebrity couple

PRETORIA. After months of speculation Robert Mugabe and Thabo Mbeki have confirmed that they are in fact an item, and have been seeing each other privately "for years". Holding hands shyly in their first public appearance since Mugabe's attempt at rigging last month's general election, 'Mubeki' said they hoped the world would respect their wishes.

Asked what those wishes were, Mugabe said he hoped that "the whites and the gays" would stop trying to enforce "gay whiteness masquerading as democracy" on Zimbabwe's heterosexual black serfs.

Mbeki said he neither supported nor rejected Mugabe's views on whites and gays.

"It's not for me to say," he said, beaming proudly and looking radiant in a new black suit. "Robert is his own man. We love and respect each other. If he wants my opinion on an issue, he gives it to me.

"Otherwise my role in our relationship is to look good, and to wipe the spit off his glasses when the whites and the homosexuals make him angry, and to bring him his slippers before bedtime."

Asked what their plans for the future were, the celebrity couple said they were looking forward to some quality time on a game farm outside Harare.

"I'm going to sleep for ten hours a day with cucumbers on my eyes," giggled Mbeki, giving Mugabe's hand a squeeze. "Robert says he's got some errands in the main vote-counting station in town, but I don't pry."

And after that? Will there be a honeymoon for 'Mubeki'?

"A world cruise," said Mbeki. "We're going everywhere!"

"Except England," added Mugabe. "And the International Criminal Court in The Hague."

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