Zimbabwe talks deadlock over Buttocks of State title

PRETORIA. South African mediators say they have hit some resistance from Zimbabwean dictator Robert Mugabe over the terms of a power sharing deal currently being negotiated. According to a spokesman Mugabe has agreed to be a symbolic Head of State only on condition that Morgan Tsvangirai is officially known as Buttocks of State.

Mediators say the new snag has upset what has otherwise been a "very smooth" transition process, with both Mugabe and rival Morgan Tsvangirai reportedly happy with their respective roles in the new dispensation.

Under the terms of the proposed power sharing deal Mugabe will retain some ceremonial powers, such as leading Zimbabwe's ongoing struggle against homosexuals and shaking his fist at American spy satellites.

He will also retain the power to add or subtract zeroes from the country's currency whenever he wishes, although observers say such actions are almost meaningless, with one economist saying that "whether you've got one piece of goat poo or 500 billion pieces, you've still just got goat poo".

Mugabe has also been given a guarantee by the South African mediators that none of his presidential benefits will be suspended, including his subscriptions to Top Billing magazine and the Hallmark Channel on satellite television.

For his part Tsvangirai has reportedly accepted the responsibility of running the country on a day-to-day basis, and is said to be looking forward to rebuilding the country, which, according to experts, will largely consist of luring terrified Zimbabweans out of bushes near the Beitbridge border crossing, and cleaning empty KFC buckets and thumbed porn magazines out of government offices.

However mediators say that negotiations have ground to a halt over the issue of titles.

According to Twinkie Hlope of the South African delegation, Mugabe will only cooperate and take on the mantle of Head of State if Tsvangirai is officially known as Buttocks of State.

She said Mugabe had initially demanded that Tsvangirai be known as Rectum of State.

"Comrade Mugabe was very insistent," said Hlope. "He spent most of Tuesday and Wednesday trying to establish a likeness between Mr Tsvangirai and a rectum.

"He drew pictures and everything. It was very disturbing."

However she said that Mugabe had softened after his aides pointed out to him that "he had spent two days obsessing over a man's bottom; that he had got sucked in, as it were".

She said the concession had given her hope that Mugabe could still be persuaded to accept a less derogatory title for Tsvangirai.

"Unfortunately 'Gluteus Maximus of State' has already been taken off the table," she said, referring to a heated altercation in this morning's session between mediators and Zimbabwe's Deputy Minister of Defence, Brigadier Gluteus Maximus Ndoro.

But she remains optimistic.

"There are still options. We're confident we can get right away from the anal area by later this week, and perhaps end up with something like 'Testicle of State' by month end."

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