Struggle-tsotsis and political pirates who rape our Constitution

Following closely in the footsteps of new President Kgalema Motlanthe, former ambassador to Bapetiksoweti, Evita Bezuidenhout, was on Monday poised to deliver a State of the Nation Address of her own.

"Let me start by sharing a State Secret with you. The nation is fine. There is no crisis," she began, immediately helping to further put international markets at ease.

Bezuidenhout reflected on the Mbeki years. "It was a calling. Thabo Mbeki had been planning his campaign for 30 years, sipping whisky in a Brighton hotel."

She praised him for his profound oratorical skills.

"His speeches were legendary. They overwhelmed me with their brilliance. I never knew what he meant, but he said it so nicely, quoting from Shakespeare, Woolworths and Thesaurus."

For much of his presidency, however, he had been nowhere to be seen.

"On the few occasions when Thabo Mbeki came to South Africa on his short state visits, it was usually only before an election to show a human side to his Mbekivellian designs. He would hug children, kiss old ladies and shake hands …What we didn't know was that after the cameras left, he would vomit for hours, allergic to the touch of the common populace."

At Polokwane, and then in the past week, the nation witnessed startling change.

"The Angel of Death, formerly Minister of Health, is now in the Presidency as minister. She will now always be near the cabinet where they keep the Presidential whisky. Will her new liver finally reject the body?"

The former Defence Minister, Mosiuoa Lekota, was gone and had left the country with "expensive boats that don't sail, priceless submarines that won't submerge, state-of-the-art fighter planes that rust on the ground and a wish-list of a few more billion rands worth of heavy-muscle armaments. We still don't know who the enemy is."

Perhaps it was the taxpayer.

And what of Jacob Zuma?

"While the Crown Prince of the ANC dances in his feathers and rare and protected animal skins and assegais, the party managed to stop the chaos and take stock. ANC no longer stood for African National Congress but A Nice Cheque.

"The nation is fine. President Kgalema Motlanthe is a man of few press clippings. I have always called him by his third name Petrus."

Would he last?

"They say President Petrus is an interim leader till after the election of 2009.

"Interim is only a word you use if you've made a wrong choice. If interim becomes impressive, inspirational and innovative, interim will happily become incumbent."

She concluded by vowing to continue her political militancy: "Yes. I may be an Afrikaans Tannie. Even though I am 73 years old today (and am still being impersonated by a third-rate comedian who is 10 years younger than me but makes me look older and fatter) - in spite of all the things that should make me sit quietly in a chair and read Huisgenoot or watch Desperate Housewives (last week we've been glued to Desperate Comrades!) - I will get involved.

"I will make sure democracy stays in full working condition in spite of the struggle-tsotsis and political pirates who want to rape our Constitution and then have a shower of celebration after the treasonous act."