DA says leadership is African-American black

CAPE TOWN. The Democratic Alliance says it is determined to shake off its image as a mainly white party, and has decided to adopt a colour grading system pioneered by African-Americans that allows incredibly fair-skinned people to call themselves black. According to the new system the entire leadership of the opposition party is now black, with Joe Seremane reclassified as ultrablack.

Speaking to journalists at the party's winter compound next to the Meadowridge Park-n-Shop this morning, spokesman Niles Lebensraum admitted that the overwhelming whiteness of the DA's leadership had been "something of a handicap" in recent elections.

He said that research by DA strategists Doris Jenkins, 86, and Gladys van der Merwe, 83, had shown that black South Africans were still "willfully and maliciously ignoring the potential benefits of white rule".

"We're not saying that those 342 years of white rule were all a picnic," said Lebensraum.

"But for God's sake, they've had 14 whole years of black rule – how much more do they want?"

However, he said, thanks to the African-American system of racial classification, the black-white divide was now a thing of the past.

"African-American icons like Colin Powell and Tyra Banks have shown us that you can have fair skin and still be a strong black person," said Lebensraum.

He said that the party's leadership was "thrilled" with the new classification, and confirmed that "ultrablack" Joe Seremane had spent the day walking up to colleagues, giving them high fives, and introducing himself as "megabad ultrablack supaphly life-taker and heartbreaker Hot Chocolate Joe".

He added that Helen Zille had asked Seremane to stop as it was upsetting some of the more fragile white workers in the office.

According to Lebensraum the reclassification was an historic moment for the party, as its previous efforts at becoming more black had ended badly.

He said that Tony Leon had once spent an entire summer on a LiLo on Hartebeespoort Dam smeared with cooking oil in order to gain more credibility as a black African, but had returned to Parliament only to be mistaken for Patricia de Lille.

"The great thing about this new system is that you can be basically white, but also black, just like Colin Powell," said Lebensraum.

He added that "black" was a "broad church".

"Nobody is suggesting that Helen Zille is gunmetal-blue like some of these Congolese chappies that wash our Volvos next door at the Park-n-Shop," he said.

"Because she's not. She's more sort of honey-and-cream-ish, a lot like Tyra Banks. They have a very similar look."

He urged people to remember that "even Madiba is more yellowish than black", adding that most of the DA's leadership had thought he was Chinese after he was released.

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