PRETORIA. The ANC is in turmoil again after allegations surfaced last night that Jacob Zuma, Youth League president Julius Malema and Cosatu chairman Zwelinzima Vavi are closet Democratic Alliance supporters. "No-one, not even Helen Zille in her wildest dreams, has done more than these three to weaken the ANC and besmirch the legacy of Sisulu and Mandela," said an unnamed party insider.
The accusations were reportedly made at a pajama-party held at the ANC Pretoria offices to celebrate the 50th anniversary of the historic pajama-party and subsequent pillow-fight between Oliver Tambo and Robert Sobukwe that saw the PAC break away to conduct its own pillow-fights.
"We had just finished the pizzas and we were about to start watching 'Mama Mia!'," said one witness.
"Comrade Zuma asked if we could have a snap debate over whether Meryl Streep was sexy in a conventional way or just sexy because she was so clearly an intelligent and independent woman.
"But Comrade Malema said he was uncomfortable discussing ladies because even though he hopes one day to kiss a real one, they still frighten him.
"So instead we decided to identify the organization that most wanted to bring down the ANC, which was clearly the Democratic Alliance, and which individuals were doing the most to further that aim."
He said that after an "uncomfortable silence" the names of Zuma, Malema and Vavi had been mentioned.
"Comrade Malema got very angry," he said.
"He threw his toys. Literally. He has a playpen in the corner where he does most of his admin, and he threw his Thundercats action figures and his Bratz dolls right across the room."
Meanwhile Malema has vowed to kill anyone who damages the credibility of the ANC, even if it means killing himself.
"If the party find that I am a liability to the agenda of the revolution then I must be eliminated," he said from his playpen this morning.
He said he would have "no regrets" because justice would be on his side.
"The killing of an ANC member is an attack on the party itself.
"By threatening such an attack I am attacking the party, and thus deserve to be killed, by me, in defence of the party that I am clearly attacking by threatening to kill myself."
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