The problem with South Africa today is that our politicians are too honest. Oh, if only they could learn to lie like their more civilised Western counterparts. But alas - they're incurably honest.
Take Julius Malema, for example. If he wasn't a saint with the moral rectitude of Mother Theresa, the invincible honesty of Jesus of Nazareth, and the sense of honour of that guy who started the boy scouts, he'd have lied about how chicks dig rape.
In the west, the lying running dogs of democracy (to misquote Mao) would never have had the guts to say that. They know, for better or worse (well, worse, obviously), that women unfortunately now have the vote, and although they tend to vote for the guy with the best legs, they also sometimes vote against men who they might (erroneously, of course) consider moronic sexist pigs.
But we don't really vote for Julius Malema, the illustrious head of the ANC's collection of panting young stormtroopers, the ANCYL-biters. We just inherit him, like mad ol' Uncle Willie at Christmas. You know, the retarded uncle who sits in the corner dribbling and alternately grabbing chicken wings and girls' asses.
And speaking of girls and asses (and now I'm talking about the kind of ass that has ears, not the kind that has a small tattoo of a butterfly), how about that Deputy Foreign Affairs Minister of ours. Fatima Hajaig has revealed to the world that the "control of America, just like the controls of most Western countries, is in the hands of Jewish money."
Again, that incredible, unimpeachable honesty. We all know the Jews control the world, but it takes a woman with real balls (the kind that go ding ding in your empty head when you move suddenly) to say it out loud. Mind you, she doesn't mention the aliens who are actually controlling the Jews, but perhaps she hasn't graduated to the Tom Cruise Next Level yet.
But as much as I'm proud and touched by the honesty of St Julius and Ms Hajaig, I have to point out a couple of things.
There's a reason
There's a reason George Bush didn't come right out and say how much he hates those hellbound towelheads over in Iraq. It just causes trouble. Do the Israelis say that they're attacking Gaza because Palestinians are smelly? No, they say they're doing it because Hamas is firing rockets at them. Does Hamas say they're firing rockets at Israelis because the Jews are stealing all their chicks? No, they say they're fighting to get their country back.
See, St Julius, Ms Hajaig? You need to learn to lie. An honest politician is just going to make South Africans, and by extension Africans, look bad in the outside world, and before you know it, we'll all end up with Hajaig on our faces. Learn to lie, I beg thee.
So sure, we all know, as the head ANCYL-biter so piquantly stated, "When a woman didn't enjoy it, she leaves early in the morning. Those who had a nice time will wait until the sun comes out, request breakfast and ask for taxi money." You make a good point, although I suspect you might be conflating the terms "woman" and "prostitute", and confusing the phrase "sun comes out" with "wait until the drunken sot wakes up."But leaving that aside, you shouldn't say that out in the open, in that bluff, big-hearted, honest way of yours. Lie! Say that you think that all women are saints, and then behind the scenes, you can treat them like dirt.
St Julius, you need a role model. I can recommend no-one better than Barack Obama, Julius' telephone chum. Note, for example, his use of the word "non-believers" in his inauguration speech. See how he's managed to make most of the world believe that America is committed to religious freedom, and yet at the same time send out the unequivocal message to religious people everywhere that if you aren't one of them, you're a second-class citizen.
Many of you out there will have fond memories of those hazy days when the world was at peace, and there was no black and white. No, there were just whites and non-whites. And when Obama tells Americans "We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus - and non-believers", we know that he is defining people as having an absence of a certain quality (for example, being "non-white"), and thereby placing them on a lower rung than religious people. Perhaps he doesn't really mean to imply that atheists have no beliefs, but leaving that aside - this is the way politicians talk, St Julius.
We don't want to know
They don't come right out and say, America is a nation of good religious folk and scum-sucking enemies of the Lord are going to burn in hell, or at the very least be forced to move to Mexico. Because that would just make people laugh at them.
Similarly, you can't say, as you did about Schabir Shaik's kindness towards Mr Zuma, "How many of you have helped wash a comrade's car or pay their children's school fees? That's how the ANC taught us. It then means we are all corrupt, because that's how we live."
As refreshing as it is to have an ANC member admit that they're all corrupt, WE DON'T WANT TO KNOW THAT! Good grief, man, you people are running our country. Can't we at least pretend that you're not corrupt, so we can sleep at night?
And as fascinating at the insight into Schabir Shaik and Jacob Zuma's domestic arrangements are, some nay-sayers in this country might contend that a part-time job washing cars is not ideal preparation for a job as a politician.
Stealing cars, maybe.
So stop telling the truth, St Julius, and learn to lie. Your country needs you.
Chris Roper is a non-believer, non-black, and non-sense writer. Visit chrisroper.co.za to make sure, though. Some people lie.
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