Mbeki denies knowing anything about anything ever

PRETORIA. In one of his first policy statements in months, South African president Thabo Mbeki says he has never had any prior knowledge about anything, of any kind, regarding anything to do with the issue of anything, ever. He also repeated his claim that sinister forces were at work on the country, and named these as gravity, nature, the tides and the moon.

Mbeki has faced a storm of criticism in recent weeks for his lack of leadership, but this morning he rounded on his critics in a bold display of denial.

Flanked by the Pahad brothers, a selection of ministers, Presidency spokesmen and a soft toy given to him by Robert Mugabe as a Valentine's present last year, Mbeki told the nation's media that he had "less than nothing to be accountable for".

"To those who say I should have handled the xenophobia crisis better, or should have led the fight against HIV-Aids instead of obstructing it, or should have taken a firm stand against Mugabe instead of holding hands with him in French pavement cafes, or should have fought poverty instead of buying weapons, or should have unified the ANC instead of heading clandestine witch-hunts against political opponents, or should have spent more time worrying about the African Dark Ages than banging on about the African Renaissance, I say to those people: stop being such assholes.

"Contrary to what my critics insist, I have never been briefed on anything, of any sort, regarding claims or actions concerning any sort of thing, about anything, in connection with what-have-you, ever, at any time, at all.

"Likewise I have never been told anything by anyone connected to any person involved with any other people, ever.

"I have never met anyone, discussed anything with anyone, or thought about thinking about anyone, either alone or in public, at any time, ever, also, as well."

After applause from the delegates present, and a quick cuddle from the soft toy, Mbeki told gathered journalists that they were being manipulated by forces beyond their control.

He explained that a third force, described as "the sun", was exerting "considerable gravitational forces" on the planet, and that a small white object called "the moon" was having an "undue influence" on the tides.

"These twin onslaughts, from the sun and its white accomplice, are being supported by the constant and sustained destabilizing effects of nature, such as seasons, the weather, and so on," he said.

He said he was still waiting to be briefed on these forces by the National Intelligence Agency, but said early indications suggested that Cyril Ramaphosa, Helen Zille, Jacob Zuma, and the CIA chemists who created Aids were responsible for the gravity problem.

"And even if they're not directly responsible for gravity," he added, "then at least they're guilty of making us feel down."