Anger, confusion, as study suggests sex not poverty causes Aids

PRETORIA. The Ministry of Health and other government policy makers have reacted angrily to a controversial new study that suggests that sex, and not poverty, is the main driver of the Aids pandemic.

Denouncing the study as racist, anti-ubuntu and the product of witchcraft, a government spokesman also slammed the study for suggesting that Aids can kill people.

Addressing journalists at an emergency press conference this morning, Health Ministry spokesman Dr Kildare Phosa said that new Health Minister Barbara Hogan had not yet finalized her policies and agendas, and until she did all policy would continue to reflect the stance of the last 14 years.

"We have always been very clear on how Aids is transmitted," said Phosa.

"As proved by the Interweb and a very fascinating séance Dr Manto Tshabalala-Msimang once attended, Aids is caused by poverty, which is caused by colonialism, which is caused by Queen Victoria."

He said the death of Queen Victoria had been "a small step in the right direction" but added that much more needed to be done before Aids could be stamped out completely.

He would not confirm or deny whether this meant the extermination of the British royal family.

According to Phosa the South African government was also outraged that the study drew a link between Aids and death.

"It is mischievous in the extreme to spread the rumour that Aids can kill you," he said.

"As we have always shown in our Aids awareness campaigns, being HIV-positive instead makes you vibrant, sociable, fairly good looking but not in a slutty way, and able to play a musical instrument in large crowds."

He reaffirmed the government's support for "euphemism, non-specific romantic sweet-nothings, and affirming cliché" in the battle against the disease.

"The fight against Aids is all about being positive. All this talk of infection and death is defeatist, and frankly a little bit racist.

"Next thing they'll be wanting us to change 'Love Life!' to 'Don't Have Unprotected Sex With Multiple Partners'.

"It's totally irresponsible and totally kills the buzz of the Love Life generation, who are out there loving life, being positive, and not dying of anything at all ever."