You have no doubt been following the exciting travails of Mosiuoa Gerard Patrick "Monsieur Terror" Lekota, the former minister of defence and apparently joint leader of the Shikota group of ANC splinteratchiks.
"Shikota" is a neologism obtained by conjoining and compressing (what a thought) the surname of Mbhazima "Sam the Sham" Shilowa - the former premier of Gauteng and devotee of the Zion Christian Church (but no wine farm, mind you; no wine farm and no cigars) - and that of Lekota.
Has the end of the world come? we ask ourselves. Has one cubicle, in the broad church that has been the ANC for so long, imploded? Will coffee ever taste the same? Can Lekota cure my dandruff? Will the price of pipe tobacco decline?
Will archbishop emeritus Desmond Tutu ever get over his "pain" - try some aspirin, arch - and find it in his heart to vote again? Will Nelson R Mandela vomit on his ANC badge?
Actually, I am very relieved that the end of the world never came, and that there was not even a small attempt at Armageddon - because what I find most remarkable is that this 60-year-old tubby fellow, who bears a striking resemblance to Jabba the Hutt, of Star Wars (the movie) fame, has had his podgy finger on the trigger of our national arsenal (such as it is) for almost 10 years. And we make fun of the Americans!
I concede that it's probable that none of our stuff works - that our submarines are in dry dock, that we have no pilots for our Gripens, that Schabir Shaik probably stuck a spanner in the combat suites of the corvettes, that most of our armoured cars are deployed in townships to save the bacon of Shikota fellow-travellers, that the HIV infection rate of our army is probably about 67 percent, and that we have, in any case, sold the sea just outside Simonstown - but still.
Mr Mbeki, what were you thinking, sir? How could you have left this incoherent big-mouth in charge of our army? What would have happened if there had been a serious, armed insurrection by the boere in Randburg? What would have happened if we had been forced to drop brave members of 1 Para on Harare? Do their parachutes still work?
This Lekota fellow is remarkable. Outraged at having effectively had his bum removed from the butter and his nose from the trough - what a mixed metaphor; soon I'm going to be offered a job as a political analyst - he has stumped around the country saying plenty of nothing in the most self-righteous and outraged tones.
He has told us that the head honchos of the ANC are not democrats; that they have trampled on everyone's rights (especially his); he has launched into endless diatribes about T-shirts and whose picture should be on them (Geez, if I have to hear another one of these bozos arguing about T-shirts, I am going to platz); and he has rabbited on about the Freedom Charter ad nauseam.
On Saturday, I saw a clip of Lekota speaking at a mass meeting of about 23 people in some select suburb - no way was he going to venture back to a place like Orange Farm.
Orange Farm is not for fat boys who have been living high on the hog in Pretoria.
He asked his select audience audaciously: "Why doesn't Jacob Zuma tell us the truth about the arms deal?"
Monsieur Mosiuoa - you have been the defence minister for nine- and-a-bit years, my china, why don't you tell us about the arms deal? Don't be shy; if you need to know anything, I can put you in touch with Patricia de Lille, of the Independent Democrats, who has made the arms deal her meal ticket.
She's what you call a one-trick, as opposed to a one-prick, pony.
Talking of which, why doesn't Shikota form a coalition with the ID? And why don't Terror and the Big Dudes give some thought to attracting some serious "names" to their party?
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