Killer Gauteng virus to be lured out with cheese or maidens

JOHANNESBURG. Scientists have warned that the killer virus sweeping Gauteng is "very small" and is therefore difficult to pin down and capture. According to a team of experts, the virus has probably crawled under a chest of drawers in a provincial hospital and will have to be lured out and captured in a bottle. They would not confirm or deny that they would have to use human bait.

Speaking to journalists at Chris Hani Baragwanath Hospital this morning, team leader and renowned virus tracker Peachy Pelvic-Thrust said that viruses could became extremely angry and destructive when they felt cornered.

"No sudden moves, no threatening gestures, and above all, don't look them directly in the eye," he said.

Pelvic-Thrust, who has hunted big viruses throughout central- and east Africa and who lost his left hand to a rogue bull ebola specimen in 2001, said that the best option would be to lure the virus out with "some of its favourite things".

"For some reason they like toasted cheese sandwiches a great deal," he said.

"But of course their favourite thing is maidens, tied to poles and left alone by the villagers."

However he hinted that his team might struggle to get ethics approval to tie a maiden to a pole and leave her in Baragwanath overnight.

Meanwhile the Gauteng Health Department has urged the province's citizens not to panic, saying that excessive bleeding might not necessarily indicate infection by the virus.

"There are lots of things that can make you bleed out of every orifice," said spokeswoman Dr Quinn Medicinewoman.

"For example, if you're haemorrhaging out of every orifice, first check that you haven't been ambushed by ninjas."

She said that ninjas were fairly scarce in Gauteng, but sometimes came out in spring to look for ninja brides or rice-base snacks.

"If the bleeding persists make sure that you're not listening to music by Kurt Darren or Dozi.

"Or in fact any Afrikaans album that features the words 'sokkie', 'pomp' or 'treffers' anywhere in its title."

She added that reading Paulo Coelho novels could also cause some haemorrhaging, but that death was usually much more rapid thanks to sudden liquefying of the brain.