Election scheduled for April 22, grandiose claims scheduled for April 21

Political parties in South Africa have welcomed the announcement of this year's election date and have promised to have their rhetoric in top gear by then. Political analysts have tipped the ANC to produce the most grandiose claims before April 22, but they agree the Democratic Alliance can score an upset with some wild last-minute claims.

President Kgalema Motlanthe took time off from his busy schedule of being invisible to announce the election date, confirming that April 21 will be the day on which grandiose claims by competing parties reach a crescendo.

ANC spokesman Screamer Mkhize said his organization was confident of an overwhelming victory in the rhetorical battle that lay ahead, thanks to a long tradition of flowery rhetoric.

"Disciplined cadres can speak uninterrupted for up to nine minutes without drawing breath," said Mkhize.

"If we sense that we are about to be interrupted by a counterrevolutionary we simply repeat a word so they can't interject.

"The result is that we we we we we we we we we we can eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh claim most of the the the the the the the the the airtime just by sounding eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh as if we are eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh choosing our words very carefully."

He said the ANC has been resting Youth League President and rhetorical savant Julius Malema so that he can be on top form by the week of the election.

He said he had no idea what Malema would say on April 21, as he wrote his own scripts, usually in crayon on his playroom wall.

Malema was not available for comment as he was taking part in a break-dancing competition next to the swings, but insiders believe he will claim that the ANC is the greatest party in the history of the universe, and that if it ever came down to a fight between the ANC, the Ancient Romans and the British Navy of the 1940s, the ANC would win without breaking a sweat.

Meanwhile the Democratic Alliance has vowed to up the rhetorical ante by trying to make claims that are not direct attacks on the ANC.

Spokesman Worsie Verwoerd said that the party had decided to be much less negative and more forward-looking.

"We've realised that we can't just have a platform where all we do is criticize the ANC," he said. "We've got to stand for something, not just against the ANC.

"Which is why we in the Not-ANC are looking forward, and therefore away from the ANC, to a not-ANC future in which our non-ANC Youth League children can not vote ANC and get jobs not supplied by the ANC."

He added that the DA boasted numerous achievements that could not be matched by any other party.

"For example, out of all the party leaders who are white women called Helen, we've got the best one," he said.

"Plus nobody else has a better red, white and blue logo, prominently featuring the letters D and A. We've really set the bar very high there."