Southern African leaders inspired by Mugabe Method for future elections

HARARE. Southern African leaders say they have been greatly inspired by the way in which Robert Mugabe has reinvented the concept of an election. "It's brilliant," said one head of state. "You can lose at the polls and still retain complete control. It really gives us hope for the future when our people get wise to this sweet little racket we've been running."

Mugabe still retains all executive power almost a year after losing national elections, and this morning SADC leaders hailed the achievement as inspiring, reassuring and "kick-ass".

"It's a beautiful method because it's so simple," said one President. "You just wait them out. You don't need policies or even a cabinet. You just need good multivitamins and regular prostate examinations.

"You can be in power for as long as you live, and if you funnel state money into your hospital plan, that can be anything up to 120 years. It's so awesome."

Another leader who wished to remain anonymous said that he had initially been startled by Mugabe's attitude to SADC intervention.

"After the election we asked him if he wanted to step down as Chief of Zimbabwe, and his exact words were, 'You can all go and f*** yourselves'.

"Obviously we were taken aback, but we gave it a try and we discovered that we loved going and f***ing ourselves. Self-love is so important nowadays. Especially if you're an African leader, because God knows the people don't love us."

Asked how power-sharing negotiations were going, the leaders said they had no idea as they had not left the grounds of the Grace Mugabe Fun World Park outside Harare.

One said he had been spending his days playing miniature golf.

"Each hole has a fiberglass model of Ian Smith lying down with his mouth open and Comrade Mugabe standing on his throat. You have to hit the ball into Ian Smith's mouth. It's quite hard but I'm getting better."

Another conceded that he "hadn't got out much" as he had been watching the Hallmark Channel.

"We don't have Hallmark in my country," he said. "We only have TV1, which is reserved for my speeches, and TV2, which is reserved for my wife's motivational fireside chats.

"These stories on Hallmark, they are very touching. It almost makes you believe that ordinary people have emotions and thoughts too, just like African presidents.

"Spooky."